The Dark of Night

The Dark of Night, Such Void of Light, The Piercing of my Soul, The only Way to be Whole

How is it that to be pierced, which in essence creates a hole, is the only way to be full?  Is it balance?  Is it experience?  Does it matter?  Does life care?

Nature surely does not for Nature unfolds as Nature would, without bias, free from discrimination, and surely without retribution if something happens against it.

The Flow of Life flows forth from strife, the swirl of galactic chaos.  In the next life, perhaps I’ll be an albatross and spread giant wing with wing,

then soar.

Burnin’ and Lootin’

People have been telling me lately that I look tired.

Or burnt out.

(Shrugs shoulders)

Maybe both.

2016 was hard for me and I was not one of the lucky few who seemingly escaped unscathed.  95% of the folks I’ve chatted with about last year agree that this ’16 was not so sweet.  It was so bad, I’ve been considering getting it tattooed, perhaps in Roman Numerals, as a reminder of what it was, what I learned, and how I grew despite feeling as though I was walking through a field of landmines.

For the first 4 days of 2017, I was upbeat, but then it hit me, right there on day 5, that frustrated yearning for a greater experience caught my attention again, and I’m left to look at what hasn’t changed.

Is it the hurt I’m feeling over how the relationship I was in evolved to where we are now?

Or maybe it’s the anger that I feel over not knowing who I can trust these days because where I’ve put that energy might have been misplaced?

Is it the aggravation that prods each day as I wonder, wow, what the fuck really happened since I begrudgingly accepted that I was on a spiritual journey now 10 years ago?

Or is it that I’m just 36 years old and have much more learn.

I’m not only 36 years old, I’m 36 years old and moving through new territory as a man in my family and close circle.  No other man who I am close to in my life can give me any guidance that relates to my current overall life situation.  That ‘band of brothers’ is non-existent.  I seem to recall a statement about being there in the jungle, bolo knife in hand as I consciously traverse the unknown savage lands.

Dramatic much?  Perhaps, but I’m a writer, and the symbolic language helps me release and look at the facts.

My Dad and Brother had both experienced marriages, fatherhood, and divorce by this age I occupy.  I’ve not.  My mentors or older friends?  While some similar values might exist, many of their lives are vastly different than anything I shall encounter.  My peers are at various poles of experience despite being able to relate as closely as possible: 1. settled down or give zero fucks as to why they should, 2. immersed in a career or attempting a transition, 3. looking to cultivate anew or accepting their fate .

While I can relate to some elements of that, I’m also wired different.  So it all doesn’t help me very much.

“Be your own guru.” ~ Adya

So I have to put my money where my mouth is and look at how I feel because experiences are always different and the feeling is the only space where we can relate.

Right now, it feels as though I’m alone, wandering a desert.  I might physically be present with people but I’m not really there.  Pieces of my Soul feel as though they’ve been scattered along the journey thus far and this is the first time where I feel like the abyss has more Truth than not.

Sure there are people around, but I can’t relate fully as outline above and let’s be real, neither can they, nor should they.  It’s not that others are incapable or don’t want to, sometimes time really does not allow us the space to connect. As much as I enjoy the career field I’m in, the spiritual wi-fi signal and connectivity isn’t always serving me well. While I might have cleared the landmines, unidentified drones will randomly drop new ordinances so taking another step in this same direction isn’t all that inspiring.

Going back to the start, where I have been told that I look tired and burnt out.  Let’s be real, it echoes in my words:

I am.

I’m tired of taking shit.  I’m tired of at times feeling taken for granted.  I’m tired of people telling me what to do, how to do it, and when I do ask for help or actually need, the ghosting that comes with it.  I see Rage, I see it sitting there but it’s not how I feel nor will it serve me so in its place, I feel Lost.

The last time I hit this space in my early 20s, I grew really angry, took up Rage, and acted out in a fashion where I didn’t care.  At the root of that, I lacked self-love, which led me to having experienced a bit of Soul-crushing because without self-love and grappling with uncertainty, it was hard to pick myself up or be encouraged.

This time, my Soul is crushed, but I have worked much on loving and caring for myself over the years.  I’m just emotionally drained and there isn’t enough happening or time for me to recharge so I feel like I’m in neutral.  It makes me look back to the ‘simpler’ times of my 20s and realize how wise it was at 30 to see how much time I’d squandered worrying and in angst.

Since I’ve but a few short years left in my 30s, I am actively working on allowing what feels to come and go, feeling it fully, letting it go as I can, and keeping myself busy.  Most recently I re-committed myself to Jiu-Jitsu and grappling, which has taught me much about myself and the human condition over the years.

As I look at the big mirror of the world around me, I see a macrocosm of my own experience ten years ago and my approach in dealing with it is different today, so maybe there’s the blessing.

Or the lesson.

Or (insert to be determined here).

The world is ripe with anger, sadness, fear, and all sorts of powerfully crippling emotions. There are ‘good’ reasons why people are feeling such heavy feelings.  And it makes sense why it’s hard to wake up bright and chipper each day.

But we have to.

Whether it’s raining outside, we have to find a way to see the beauty in the rain, how it nourishes all aspects of our life.  If it’s sunny, we need to enjoy that for what it is, cherish how long it lasts, and recognize how without balance in the experience, there is no life, at all.

The human experience is an ever-changing experiment, as is each individual life.  Getting caught in arguments of ‘right’ vs. ‘wrong’ is the worst thing we can do because of that ever-changing flow and unique unfolding each takes.  While there are days where that voice that once ‘hated’ me preaches darker tones in times of low energy, I shall continue to march, perhaps more fearlessly into the unknown because through all of this, I wake more and more until the day I no longer do so.

That’s all we can do.  Keep moving forward until we no longer can.

 

 

Five Days

11140379_10101408535280996_93268422965394915_nAs the year winds down, it occurs to me that I have the same amount of days left as fingers on one hand or toes on a foot.  I don’t recall thinking about it that way when there were ten days left, when I had had two hands, two feet, to navigate with.

Approaching this close of another year, looking at how little there is left, I wonder, did I live this year fully?

Being critical, I’d say yes and no.

Did I do my best?  Being honest, I’d answer the same.

This was probably the hardest year that I had to face despite being better equipped to address the challenges that came up than I was when facing a greater deal of adversity at younger ages. As many would agree, something about this year though, all the events personally, professionally, and around the world just ground me down and pushed me beyond my limits.

And let’s be real it sucked pretty often.  Come on, forget my little speck of dust life in the cosmos and look at the events that gathered all of us into our unique dust piles:

  • Ongoing violence in America
  • 2016 Election
  • Foreign Craziness like Brexit or the South Korean Impeachment
  • KO – Brangelina
  • The retirements of Kobe Bryant, KG, and Tim Duncan
  • All the deaths

2016 even took George Michael on Christmas.  I mean, how fricking crazy is that?  The dude who created the song with the lyrics, “last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day, you gave it away,” died most likely due to what reports have stated was heart failure.

The highs and lows were by far the most extreme that they have ever been and I can not yet fully articulate why that is because I haven’t processed all of what I have felt over the past twelve months.

2016 took me beyond feeling strong, but I kept going though I felt weak, and finally here I am, with just five days left, and crossing another line.

The big a-ha I’m taking with me in these last few days is that even if all I can celebrate is that I showed up as best as I could, that’s enough.  I showed up while juggling the anxiety, depression, despair, frustration, and feelings of wandering through the Darkness of 2016.

I showed up and didn’t turn into a total shit.  Sure, I wasn’t perfect.  I made mistakes, but for the most part, I was a good human.

That’s got to count for something.

And if it does or not, I’ll laugh because 2016 was a reminder to not take life seriously, at all.

Dust

When the walls, the walls come a tumbling, tumbling down, down, down, there’s nothing, nothing left to see

For inside those crumbled walls, there’s nothing, nothing left of me

Oh how far gone and alone has life turned out to be, I’ll look to Nature, cause Nature will never be anything but who She is, She is truly.

Recent Reflections – A Synthesis

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I was fortunate to get to spend some more time overseas this year.  Spending around 20 days in Asia (Japan and Korea) in total over the last four months isn’t that much if you think about it, but it was enough to shake and stir awake my consciousness with some freshness.  

Here are some spiritual reflections that came up on this last trip that stand out enough to share.  Enjoy.

So what I have learned this time out in the rabbit hole?  What have I found?  

~ Everything happens as is.  Resistance is what expands the suffering.  Trust life even more than you already do.

~ Pre-programmed mental constructs hold one back.  Release them and rewrite them.  No one knows more than knowing.  Knowing is confidence and it need not be acknowledged nor understood by anyone but you.

~ Nothing matters. Change the script whenever you wish. Endeavors do not need to have illusory goals and endpoints that make it worthwhile in this plane of consciousness. Sometimes one has to get lost in order to define a worthwhile goal that is the blossom of the seed from within.  The blossom blooms in its time, then dies, and is reborn to continue the cycle endlessly.

~ You can because I can.  I am Not and All at simultaneously.  The separateness of duality is not merely the realization that you see both sides from a doorway at different times.  Doesn’t change the fact that you can go back and forth through many doorways throughout life.  

~ Divine Timing is never wrong.  

On that last note, I’ve notice paintings of clocks, clocks on buildings, even the clock on the wall in my crib.  Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.  

Tock Tick.  

Reminds me a bit of The Maxims of Delta.  You can check that out online here.

bridge the gap

picked up a pen, I picked up a pen, done picked up a pen, put to paper, let my fingers dance on the keyboard like I’m making music except I’m listening to music and writing a free flow O-riginal piece for all y’all to peruse

if I didn’t take my style way back, where would I be, where would I go, how would I see, what would I know?

influences, influences, I got my influences, and they got their nuances, nuances, and then when I roll words, I got my nuances, nuances,

or nuisance, is it all just a nuisance, a nuisance!

so cold, this world, got me feeling, election 2016, we the people, got us reeling, we reeling

but this is exactly what we need, so we can get at healing savagely, and we heal collectively, then finally the pen will be put down and these fingers can stop dancing cause at last, at last, so free.

27 Pharaohs

“Cause we blessed up.” ~ Meek Mill

Legend has it

Egypt once was ruled

by a Council of 27

Pharaohs.

This collective valued the preservation of life through the cultivation of spirit. It was a glorious time to be alive.  I’ll say it again:

IT WAS A GLORIOUS TIME TO BE ALIVE

But as man’s greed was tainted by the Ego Devil’s need, the consciousness of the 27 was fractured, scattered, and awaited a Return, one that takes the passing of Saturn in the orbit of each person’s skies 27 years after her/his birth.

And with that, came the eternal Dark Night of the Soul for everyone.  But hope was not, can not ever be, lost, FOR there are those who have been able to traverse outside of Plato’s Cave.  And they, those in energetic form and the remaining in flesh, urge us all forward, toward, the eternal Light Day of the Shared Cosmic Savior that is our etheral balance.  They do this for we are a net, and if a single thread remains unbound, the net can never achieve its potential.

Should you stumble, should you fall, recall the 27 Pharaohs who lost it all but buried the diamond in the moment for all to breathe during this short experience.