Untitled, As Is – 16.16.04

The outlet, it fuels, it feeds, it gives power.  An overload of it will blow a circuit.  A spark from that can start a fire.  A fire burns.  Burning can destroy.  Destroy what takes so long to build up.

But burning down to build anew is the cycle of the Phoenix, is it not?

Born again, with new youth and energy, the Phoenix flies once more.  It soars the skies, its beauty for all to see, until that day, when once more, it is time to repeat the cycle.  Repeat it as though it’s brand new.

Explosions are not always precise.  When they burst, they may or may not hit their target. But no matter the intended result, there is always an impact.  The impact of collateral damage.

Damage damned damning while destroying what might not even have been the intended target. But nonetheless, we destroy because it’s how we are.  It’s who we are.  Why can’t I just accept it?

Humanity is filled with violent tendencies and is set on taking that out on all others to create the cycle.  To relive the flight of the miserable Phoenix.  A wounded bird, it’s wounds on display for all the world to see.  The smoke trail behind, the ash raining down that it brings.

Why can’t I just accept it?  Why can’t I just love it and take it?  I see the bird, for I am that bird too.  It’s our collective burden.  If patience is a virtue, then the virtuous have left.  Left us long ago.

Cycle of rebirth, the rebirth of hurt, a cycle of pain perpetuated until we rally, we combine to combat that and not one another.

Pipe dream.  It’s a pipe dream.  That’s all it is.  Another silly dream.  Words that are meant to ponder.  Words that don’t want to give up but don’t see any other way.

When you lose hope, what then do you have left?  To accept.  Acceptance, accepting the answer to the question ‘How is this sustainable?’ is that:

It’s not.

Unless change occurs, at whatever pace that takes, we will destroy ourselves.  Nature will not judge.  Nature will persevere but if that’s the case why can’t we see that Nature within us and how it’s so clear.

“Release the shackles of inhibition that binds…”  Or is it ‘Release the shackles of inhibition that keeps us blind…’

I don’t know.  IDK.  WTF?  What the fuck?

I don’t have the answers.  I merely share.  Share what I observe. Documenting how I feel in the event that it might serve.  If it serves, if only just one other, than I did a great service and all this disservice I’ve experienced was worth it.

Untitled, As Is – 16.16.03 aka #TheFeels

Sadness is the first feeling that I feels, it’s just after Love, which is so true & so real, Sadness takes me, its mask betrays me, my Ego slays me, Sadness is the first of #TheFeels.

Anger takes the baton from Sadness, with heat, with fire, its burns off the past until at last no Sadness can be sensed as fast, but lie beneath the surface, it does with the past.  Anger will carry, it can triumph too, but when it dies out, there comes something new…

Despair rolls on up, bring with it Shame, & Rage.  If you don’t catch a hold, they’ll burst out into Hate from their cage.  This cocktail of feelings is more like a buffet, depends on #TheFeels and how you fill your plate.

So what will your order be? So many choices, isn’t it great?

Untitled, As Is – 16.16.02

The fingers of loss brush lightly across my cheek

Yet ‘Tis Disappointment That shall linger longer than any such pain

For I’ve been here before, I’ve lost far greater

Now again the Loss feels so much more

Still left am I to ponder why and when?

Why have I fallen short yet again?

And when shall I succeed?

Not much time have I to reflect for an If will find my knees.

Help, God Please.

Untitled, As Is – 16.16.01

Imagine if you will, having set sail, a vessel soaring mightily cross the waves, gently crashing against the bow

The sunset painting the skies and oceanic reflections in an embrace all around

Picture a love, like a thunderous storm, its torrential affection a downpour, flooding the decks & holds below

This love is a cannonball tearing through the heart of the ship, opening it up for light to pour into its depths, causing the sea to fill and bare its soul

Perhaps this is chaos. Small chance this is Truth

Whatever it may be, dare I wish this upon you…

For the loved vessel, shall never quite be the same as it was the day love tore its hull open to a new

Prospect of voyage, of which nothing else is as true


J. Wading Through the Stream – Ep. 08

“So I got stoned, forgot that I knew you, and thought, wow, this writing really speaks to me…”

My friend shared these thoughts as we shared a pitcher of Asahi Super Dry at the Ala Moana Shopping Center’s Japan Village Walk and reflected on the work of Japanese Author Haruki Murakami.

“The way Murakami sees the world, the duality, that’s what you do.  And I realized how what you share, speaks, when I don’t feel like I know.”

Reminds me of the old saying (Luke 4:24) by The Jesus:

Truly I tell you, no prophet is accepted in his hometown.

When I rewind and look at the interactions I’ve had with so many strangers who are shocked with the words I use, the lessons I’ve learned, and the realizations that the Journey is still going and more is to be gleaned as an unfolding of the Spirit, I wonder, why is it that so often we get boxed into compartments by those who know us.  And why is it that I do that too?  Why can’t be suspend bias and just appreciate?

What is it about connecting with others, that the all too human manifests daily while the Truth that is Spirit, often gets pushed deep beneath the surface?

“That’s what’s cool about you, when you get a notion to do something important to your journey, you follow through. Go across the country? You did it.”

I did, twice, and in pockets since.

“Write a book?  You did it.”

I have, eight of them.

“Go to Tokyo to get lost without plans, and especially, right now, at this point in time, with everything else going? You did it. Something knew that the Universe was hatching something and it gave you what you needed.”

That’s entirely true.

“It’s like you know when it’s the right time to act and do.”

My teacher has often said:

“Everything in Divine Timing.” and “It will appear when you ready, you just have to walk into it.”

It is funny that I have arrived at that connection to my intuition.  For a long while, I struggled with allowing that part to pull and guide. To others, it appears, I lack follow-through because I don’t act deliberately as soon as a thought floats in.

There is, however, a difference between impulse and intuition. Impulse seems to have some fear weaved in where intuition is more connected to the threads of Universal Love.

Doesn’t make it easy but the best of times in this Flow are where I consciously sit back in the Upper Deck with my Inner Conscientious Observer to watch the play of my life, as both Actor and Spectator.

This Journey along Life’s Road is a fascinating tale.  I just wonder what exactly it is, trying to tell.

Guess I just have to keep wading through the Stream…

J. Wading Through the Stream – To Peace, With Love

“What made you so positive?” The Lyft Driver asked me.

It caught me off guard because I really haven’t felt like this in a long, time.  Almost five years to be exact.  It was five years ago, as I sat beneath a Tree, ‘divining’ for others if you will, filled with so much rage and some folks walked in describing how peaceful they felt being there with me.

“Were you always like this?”

At the time, I was dumbfounded.  As I wrote about it later, I realized that I was allowing the rage that I felt to be there, not resisting it, not letting it build and manifest.  In doing so, I was at peace because it was exactly how I felt and the people around me felt that peace.

“You’re awesome!”

Today I don’t feel any rage nor do I feel awesome, but I am okay with that.  I’m actually feel like I am hurting quite a bit right now, but I am okay with that too.  As odd as it sounds, I’m okay that I don’t really feel okay.

I’m not fighting the events of life or how I feel as a result of those experiences.  Fighting and righteous anger have a time and place.  Just not right now, not with the weight of these emotions that I am dealing with.

As I’ve journeyed through Life, I’ve gotten lost many times.  Definitely strayed from the Path.  Despite that, I truly believe that there is a silver lining in everything.

Sunsets really are beautiful, you know?  And there will be a new day to follow each and every time.  Even if you sleep in and skip the Sunrise, there are so many amazing and truly “awesome” occurrences in Life through each & every moment.

It’s just The Dark Night of the Soul.

It’s that bish, that’s the tough bit.

But  ya know, diamonds are forged under pressure so I trust, as hard as it is, Nature has a better plan than my Ego Mind.  My Heart Mind knows this even though Life gets confusing and certainly overwhelming, I trust that being in God’s Hands is a good place to be.

#AlohaHarder man.  That’s my meditation.  That’s how I got to have my slant.  I guess that’s the answer.  It’s finding peace, through really going into Love, all its expressions, shapes, forms, facets, everything.


J. Wading Through the Stream – Ep. 07

Sick.  Saddened. Shit.


Sweet. Soar.

Nah, that there with those last two.  Not yet.

Another day, another year, another string of experiences.  Words and comments and feelings reverberate like echoes in a vast, empty hall.  What is my purpose?  Why am I?  At least I can reflect on those while the part of my Ego is upset, doesn’t want to deal with anything goes on and on and on.

Life can be a pickle can’t it?

While some might seek out pickles on their own, I tend to prefer to have them amidst other bits, as I appreciate the fullness of the flavor spectrum, not just the bitter, nor the sour, or the too sweet. The perfect pickle has a bit of all of that, not too crunch, not too soft, and it goes with anything.

About 15 years ago, I was introduced to the concept of the Middle Path, and I remember asking so many about balance.  The answer I seemingly have found along and through it all is that it’s hard, takes work, takes time.  As I stand in my life at the age of 36, I can no longer believe what the worldview of me is, when it is cast through the eyes of others.  I have to see it and trust it for myself.

Perhaps that’s stubborn.  Perhaps it’s selfish.  But if I’m going to find that great place, the calm amidst the storm, if I’m going to make any real difference in the life of another, then I have to do it.

I must also stop putting my energy towards trying to lift others.  It’s not bad.  It’s not that I don’t care.  I do care.  But if I am going to help anyone else fly, then I have to go out there and do it, show it, prove it because perhaps I’m the hypocrite.  I’m the one who hasn’t lifted off.

Who’s life is it anyway, right?

If that means, I’m the bad guy, I’m cold, I’m alone.  So be it.  But I do BELIEVE.  I BELIEVE in Love in its most transcendental form and I BELIEVE that God does not make mistakes. So hate me, cast stones at me, disagree with me.  It’s okay.  I have no ill will nor do I fault another for their own experience.  The fact is, that’s not how I feel about me and my experience.

So I’m getting on that plane.

I do HOPE to see you on the other side and never have I ever written words more HOPEful that they reach the heart & soul of another more.