Vol. 2 Redemption – Life is Messy

The Lyft Driver’s last words to me on this day: But that’s Life.  Life is Messy.  You have to figure it out as you go.

We’d a brief conversation on how there were people who milked the system and the system being at fault.  His view was that affordable housing serves people who didn’t want to work.  My view acknowledged that but added more to the picture in that the system is also failing people and perpetuating itself through the cycle of neglect and poverty.

Which brings the question to mind: How can one know there is more if one has never been exposed to more?

I’m 36.  At times that has been held against me it seems.  In other instances, it feels like I’m praised for thinking the way I do for as young as I am.  I see two lines of thought and it’s a bit like the housing picture, one limiting, the other a bit broader.

“Bradah, you stay at the front of the line, making your way through the jungle with just one bolo knife. It’s lonely Brah!”  The Reader’s words follow that thought experiment.

And I’m rewound to a few months prior was I was told my Path is that of the Sage.  I feel a conflict that I can never put in words and I feel a frustration because so many people I have encountered have labeled within a limited analysis yet there are only small bits of moments where I meet people, who do in fact, get It, whatever It is, that I’m about.

“It’s like making your way up a mountain. You’ve been down the roads others are on and you can see the boulder just ahead that they can’t because you are where you are now.”  An Old Gent told me as I was once the Reader.   I wish you well Gerd, wherever you are, in the Flesh, or Spirit, I cannot know, but I remember how alive you were despite having lived so much.

Life really is messy.

All I can do is submit and make do with what comes.  The roles I’ve played in the lives of others are fine, I own them, I give thanks for the lessons.  I’m just ready to be me and be loved for that without compromise.  What I mean there is not that I do not ever plan to compromise.  Compromise and effective communication are essential.  Rather, I want people to love me for who I am because that is what they should want for themselves.

Respect is earned it is said.  Perhaps let’s go deeper and see that Honor is fleeting if not respected so that is where the return makes the most sense.

I don’t know.

I’m putting the pieces together.  I’m only 36, too old, a failure, yet still young, with time.

I just know that my Heart sees far more than it has at times been given credit and I’m tired of falling on deaf ears when It speaks through me.  So maybe I’m the one who has to start listening to It.

Start there and let that lead.

“Isn’t it time Bradah, that instead of just loving others, you got loved, too?  You one good Bradah, you deserve that you know.  That no mean you bad, the ones when come before bad, all the chords connected to you wasn’t bad.  It just means that it was all aligning you so that you recognize that Love, in the way that will make you feel full, is out there.” More words from the Reader come to mind as I wind this down.

And I guess, where I stand, there really is no harm in believing It.

Believing in all of these other lines of thought has been like wearing styles that were en vogue for a season, or no longer fit.  I’m ready for a new look.  Why the fuck not?




Day 11:15

I’d a dream that it was 2:17pm and I had to be somewhere by 2:30pm.  You went straight, I went left, the left in the dream symbolizing the unconscious.  We didn’t say goodbye, we just went our separate ways, where the road meets, perhaps that shall be revealed in future days.

I’ve never been through this before.  I’ve never been through this before.  I’ve never been through this before.  The coping, the both of us, how we approach is even brand new.  I do not wish to be angry, and I hope for that for you.

I hope for only the best, even if that’s not me.  I wish that the Journey was different, but as to what shall be revealed, I’ve not yet seen.

So open, my Heart is, while fight do I the ego’s lies.  Leave it up to Life to bring us both greatness, however that shall manifest.

Toodle-loo, ta-ta for now, it’s time for me to rest.

Day Ten

Woke up

Feeling sad

What is the fuck is ?

Why am I feeling bad?

These feelings flow

Something like the tide

Just got to kick it

Enjoy the ride

Cause Life is Grand

It’s Super Great

The Ego Cries

Inner Debate

Just Breathe In

Then let it out

Far better than me

Make a scream, make a shout

Keep on stepping, Young

Now you Remember

It’s allokay,

Even if it feels like my smile is gone til November

Of 2020,

No 2029

Ah, shit, fuck

Deep breath

I’m out this time

Days Eight (PronouncedAte) Up to Nine

We seem to have some peace

Though I sense we’ve not arrived to release

Too much love & habit see

For us to seal the sea as it parts

Verbal darts quickly spit

Through the ether, both too quick

So more time is probably needed

Even though the fruit lies in the seeds and

Ah, ha, breathe, uh

“I can’t love you this much, I can’t you this much”

Lyrics from the Blame Game, I love you, I hate you

Fly in from ‘Ye West

While their North lives with Saint

And Kim got robber, eh?

Too many headlines, and dreamlines, and crosslines

Fly all the time

Fly all the time

Flock of Seagulls

Mission accomplished

Stream of Conscious

I’m still damn tired.

Why am I so tired?

Is it my time?

Have I expired?

Today’s a bit of a wash, the grief been pushed to the back, a bit hush

Love, Love,



Day Five Breathes Life to Six AND Now, Seven

I saw you

First time, yesterday, six days, flew by, yet six days so long, they crept.

You didn’t see my tears, maybe you heard it in my voice, I couldn’t tell because the hurt we’ve both birthed is still too fresh for there to be a Wholly Truth to occupy the space.

Time, time, time

Time will tell and until that time I wish you well, so well, because

well, I want only the best to find all +Beings as we ride along this Human plane to our Shared Final Destination.

Until then. Time.

Time. Time.


Day Three 2 Four

The days bleed

Into One

And today, I’m not so blue

No lies though, this isn’t fun

The grief comes & goes

With  otherpeople, I hold back the tears

But when I’m alone, I release them tears

These tears, they flow

Like rain drops from the sky

I gaze around me, wish I could feel up high

But I’m pretty low, humbling this

Can only grow, as I reminisce

Life is crazy,

isn’t it?

Sometimes I wish

For one more kiss

And many cuddles

If only the fires we lit

Hadn’t burned so

Only time will tell

Time needed for both to grow

I wish you well

No hard feelings

My hurt needs healing

So I’m dealing

I hope the same for you

And so much more

Guess we’ll see

what Life has in store