The Dark Side of the Ego

In case you lived on the dark side of the moon or was unable to watch Star Wars, the Dark Side is a a big component of the Force (the mysterious life energy) and it is the side that feeds off of fear, anger, and hate.

With that, I find a deep inner struggle between going with my higher self, side more oriented with my spiritual essence, and my lower self, the egoic 3D nature. I feel like the higher self is what the Jedi seemed to be about (values of taking care, spirituality, protecting nature, etc.) and the lower self is what leads to the Dark Side (at least in every “spiritual” book I’ve read, the ego is linked to the 3D world and uses fear, anger, etc. to exert control when it feels it’s hold slipping).

It’s really a challenging battle which I have found drains me immensely. I know in theory and believe that going with the higher self down a more spiritual path is necessary. I feel like I’m at the crossing over point. It just seems like lately my ego is making it’s last attempt to keep the control that it has had for my entire life and which it’s fought for the last 3.5 years not to lose.

Just seems pretty hard and the familiarity (aka safety) of my old egoic self clouded by a world filled with other egos consciously and unconsciously in the same battle, makes it harder each day to let the light of my higher self shine bright. I am not writing to this make excuses, merely to put it out there in the event that someone else reads it and can relate. I feel like the reason we succumb to the trappings of the ego is because we feel we are alone, or rather we see the end-result of those who overcame, yet we don’t always get to see, hear, or feel the struggle that it took to get there.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that the struggle is a part of the journey. It makes the choices to live in the light, though we may not always choose to do so, that much brighter. So perhaps, it’s a necessary evil. No pun intended.

the chords run deep throughout my being
it feels as though they’ve latched on to much more
than just an energy body
the physical manifestation is telling
lack of sleep, the lack of laughter
the chords run deep
they’ve become my veins
my blood now filled with the haunted past
one i’ve sought to let go
yet seems to creep in
perhaps, the chords are the reason
my energy has not cleansed
a breath in, a breath out
each day, striving to release
these chords
that run deep

Nights Remixed

On those nights
We wiped away our tears and drifted to sleep
In each others arms…
You remember those nights?
Our love was so new, so incredible

On these nights
I wiped away so many of my own tears
My eyes have long dried
I remember that time
Our love’s flame long past

On those nights
It was as if
We were the only two alive
You remember those nights?
Our love was so true, real in every way

On these nights
I feel like this when I’m alone, not lonely, just alone
I remember our time

On those nights
That are
Now these nights
I recall, a simple love, lost in a sense
Eternal no less
I will remember for all time

For though love evolves
It does not die

It’s just on these nights
When I feel lonely, not alone, just lonely
It’s a hard pill to swallow.


Darkness resides deep inside somewhere
In there, or here…
I fear it eludes me within such depths
That only a dream here, or there…
Brings to light that region of my subconscious.
Fear not the darkness that lies within for one cannot embrace nor
Appreciate illumination when it fills the entire being.

In Loving Memory of Snacks

We lost our first ever hairless rat, Snacks, today. This is by far the saddest I have ever felt about losing a pet. No disrespect to my cat of 18 years growing up, but something about this rat…

I found him on an interesting day in Kaneohe. I went there because I had a dream that made me feel like I needed to go to Kaneohe. I had been putting off going to St. Ann’s Church, a place where I grew very angry with God, as a child, and it was time to make my peace.

Afterwards, I went to Windward Mall and stopped by Koolau Pets. Jessica and I had wanted a pet and it was hard to agree on what. She wanted a hairless cat (we’re both allergic to cats) and I wanted to get a dog, which she also wanted hairless.

I got Snacks as a surprise for Jessica because she also wanted a hairless rat, something that I never knew existed. She totally fell in love with him. I was slightly allergic to him at first but he totally grew on me.

He was the coolest pet ever. I have honestly often contemplated how I would like to have a pet rat for the rest of my life because of how much Snacks grew on me. They have relatively short life spans and I couldn’t fathom not having him around.

In addition to being so freaking amazing, Snacks had other roles that he played very well.

He was a father. We got our second rat, Naps, a fancy rat with hair, a few months after Snacks and together they created two litters of ratlings (actually called kittens for some reasons).

He was a fighter. He probably had the soul of a Jiu-Jitsu fighter because he submitted any and all of the young bucks who challenged him. He would just stiff arm or roll them over like it was no sweat.

He was enlightened. Snacks totally lived in the Now. He would cruise around, eat food, sleep, and urinate all over to mark his territory. He was truly identified with his purpose and lived his life fully.

We are going to miss you immensely Snacks. Thank you for coming into our lives and teaching us what you did. You are truly loved and will always be remembered.

“King” Snacks June 2009 – May 2010