“High above the mucky muck, castle in the clouds, there sits Wonder Boy something something something… Nothing left to say when you’re high above the mucky mucky.” Tenacious D

There is a mountain, some call it the mountain of God. Others call it other things like enlightenment or awakening to our true beauty.

I was called to a spiritual journey long ago after reading a book, Peace is Every Step.  I fought and denied my heart because it made no sense and I was afraid. I went the direction of societal expectation and found mixed results in that my heart was dying. I felt dead for so long.

Last year, as the cosmos threw me an immense curve, I answered the call. Two trips across the US later and I realize there is a mountain inside… I’m not claiming to be enlightened but I will state that I woke up.

This life is too short to worry, to have fear. I was so planning oriented and waiting for the next thing to happen that I missed how beautiful the present is. In the end, all we have is one moment and I now see how important it is to take care and honor that moment.

My teacher told me to walk a labyrinth for my healing. The practice is pretty old and for long story reason I assigned my healing to take place in San Francisco. As I walked through the city for the first time in 13 years just a few days ago, I was overcome with great joy because I had arrived.

I have a hard time committing to and finishing things. It took me 6.5 years to get through college after changing my major many times, so to get there after I’d seen the signs, had the dreams to go there so many times when I began my walk last year, it meant so much.

I am an intense energy and tend to fill my days when I have to because I ultimately knew I was called home, I felt it in my heart, and I accept that I am going to die physically. I do this because when present in the fullness of each moment, we have all the time we need in the world at that moment and what’s next does not matter.

So back to the labyrinth. I walked the two at Grace Cathedral. It was a powerfully moving and emotional experience. As I walked the outdoor one, I saw my whole life, how it played up to that point and how everything works out intricately. I felt the love I had for everyone who had touched me. What’s most telling about this experience though, is that I forgave myself. I forgave myself for being so hard and for thinking I failed at the different elements in my life. I realized that I had everything I ever wanted or needed at any given time. And I guess that is what it means to me to feel liberated. It freed me because I realized that I was not sinful as my Christian roots hammered home, it showed me the depth and range of my humanity and how beautiful that truly is.

It was a hard dose of reality in a sense too. Before I left and if you read over the blogs I have written since July, I weave in what was always in my heart: family.

And before everything changed, I had everything I ever wanted: a woman I loved completely and who balanced me, a woman who will be the greatest mother to her children because of her own experience in this life, a comfortable home, and budding employment in something I enjoyed.

I was called to journey shortly after first meeting her and I was so afraid to lose her. I don’t write this to beat myself up but I realize now how important the inner work is. Only in doing so can we be walk through all the seasons of life and be able to appreciate the Now as it is, with whoever, whatever we walk into.

Life is a tricky but simple thing. It is immense and yet it is so small.  It really is peace.  As I look back at the ranges I have shot out in since I began writing, I see, I feel the strings pulling me in every direction of expansion.  As excited as I can get, as much as I can throw Light when I feel like it, I realize that my essence is really peace.  I will walk through and experience whatever emotion I am feeling at any given time as I am human but I know in my heart that I will always resonate back to peace for it is at the core of my being.  I think there is beauty in peace.


The Shield

hmmm, what’s this, it’s anger I see, I thought we tabled this feeling completely. no, no, the Heart says, it’s help we will need, for long has everyone slept, the Dark, far extends does its reach.

you there, yes you, Lion, Love is your strength, Light is your fire, and in Anger, a Righteous Shield for the battle that will be.

balance, I thought, shouldn’t balance, it be? you balance right now but push on because the dark it runs deep.

so roar of Love, shine your Light, and let your Anger resonate at the dark for the time is upon us for all to no longer sleep.

Atop the Mountain

organically unfolding like a blossom in the mist just above the moonlight candle lit reflection of the gently moving water, ever so slight the movement is… only if you shine light can you see its light, Light, LIGHT!

you shine your Light, the student says to me, and I feel that it helps to awaken me from a sleep, a slumber, I finally feel happy to be alive, I never liked being human, until today I realized, he laughed then he smiled and I felt my work had finally come, full circle it had for what was once my own bad feeling to life now so dissolved only Love Light’s dis-spelled the cursed enchantment

if you can heal another, the same wound that you suffered, then your healing is complete, a former
teacher once said. I found healing in myself and that had led me to this place, atop the mountain,

A mountain, he’s being called to a mountain, the psychic told me, I laughed and was in awe and thought logically that I could figure out what she meant, but the mountain is within and that mountain is…

His, Hers, Yours, and Mine. It is the Mountain of Love, of God, of Light, whatever you want to call it, it’s the Mountain within and allows for True Life, Self-Love, and the Light to always shine.

‘this little light of mine, i’m going to let it shine!’

Love, Sweet Love, Yet Again

As I heard the Hello Dear of my Teacher to you, I paused for a moment because all life drifted through and we, yes, You and I, were just stardust again.

Back to this physical illusion, for the time for just Spirit and no flesh has passed, I now see a beauty like thee, sitting in the grass, just before me, all time seemed to cease, all the energy existed and that’s how amazing it was for me.

Was it real or just another creation from a dream dreamed for so long now apart from the source for I looked everywhere but here in my heart don’t you see?

Madness, madness, madness, I embrace you like a long lost brother, sister, father, mother, lover, for in releasing the sanity of society you have helped to set me free, from my myself, from others, from the things I attached to, yet here again, though my self-love is immense, I find another reason to yearn for a deeper connection.

Damn… oh well, I will take a leap into the unknown any day, whether it be a moment, an experience, or a lifetime. That’s just who I am, the only one I was ever afraid to love fully was me, and well, I figured that one out: Ha ha

The frequency of love and gratitude,
what I broadcast at when I want how I want
in increasing regularity so much so
that I confess that
I cannot forget how far I’ve come
from, at times I felt done, and
here still I stand
my beat beat now and always was in my own hand
like light flowing through the dark
Thank you for this peace

Free Flow

NOTE: I cringe at this.  I have changed so much since I originally wrote this, just a testament to changing and growing and that we can keep going and flowing further into Spirit.  I leave this up as I  know someone out there can relate to it and it’s good for a laugh for me, a good reminder of where I came from. 3/23/11

Long ago, when I first delved in mindfulness, I wrote a poem that when something like: free flow fluidity, fluid flowing freely.  It reminded me of what I felt as I created wind around me when bombing hills on a skateboard.  It made me feel in a sense how I created my life.

As I now have over 30 years of experience to draw from, I have, through the grace of Divine help, solved the riddle to manifestation in my life.  I have recently experienced instant manifestation in the forms of people, money, answers to questions, etc.  I was trying to find how it fit though, like why was it that it happened for things I really wanted and things I had no attachment to.

In looking at the patterns from my life, everything that was in line with my highest good, for the energy wave that I was resonating at, happened.  Most recently, I didn’t manifest a job in politics because I moved into a different place.  The best example of this is I repelled a politician when I was myself talking about spiritual type things, he pulled out his phone and faked a call.  Ha ha!

Before the events of the last year where the loss accumulated, I met a spiritual warrior, the Soul Samurai.  He reminded me the importance of following what was in your heart.

Each of us has a path that vibes so much and makes the heart sing.  Mine has to do with writing and sharing these spiritual experiences because of how I see things and make connections.  I tabled this because also somewhere later is family, that is very close to my heart.  I was only using what I could from my socialization to create abundance in my life and that was far from my heart so I was miserable. As a result, when I threw it out to the Universe that I would give up the love of my life to live what was i my heart and share that, the Universe answered because that was what was in the highest good for me at that time.

I share all this because the Universe does work based on the Law of Attraction.  Our thoughts that we focus on can happen, both good and bad.  Look at when we notice things that irritate us, seems like they keep popping up.  Same thing can happen if we focus on things we like, more experiences will come along of that nature.

The non-attachment thing is funny in a sense too.  I do feel it is important but we are entering an age of energetic creation that things happen very, very fast, so tapping that with focus can lead to magical creation at a rapid rate.

With that, I lay out what I intend.

Without a doubt, I intend to make a living on from a book deal that leads to a bestseller and a place on Oprah’s book club.  And if I don’t, well, I’ll die anyway someday and life is great regardless. Much gratitude!

That’s combining both the focused and the non-attachment because I totally want to do that, have created every other career endeavor in line with the highest good I was at each time, and yeah, not attached to it because I create my own happiness everywhere.

Bunches of Grapes

I used to believe that there was one soulmate.  I no longer feel that way.  As I sit outside of my attachment to the love from someone else, I can see that I have had many soulmates in my life, both men and women.  My teacher told me souls are born like bunches of grapes and the ones closer in the bunch we tend to connect with more deeply.

When I was in Seattle last year, I met a psychic woman who had a vision and gave up her job to follow what she saw in it.  We still keep in touch and she really is a magical woman, Suzanne.  Suzanne told me that sometimes souls have so much they want to learn, do in a lifetime, that they split themselves up and live in many bodies.

In New Age, spiritual literature, whatever you want to call it, there is a concept called twin souls, or twin flames.  Supposedly each of us has a twin flame out there and if connected, it’s literally like finding your other half, the being that balances you completely.  I have met a few people who have had this experience and I believe it because there is a certain magnetism between them and they describe the same thing in the first experience of touching, handshake, hug, whatever.  There’s a feeling that coursed through them.

It’s all a fascinating process.  I thought for so long I wanted someone to share in my life and its experiences when in reality I wanted to experience and grow.  I believed that the only person I could understand fully was myself and I tried in a recent experience to understand the other.  While I will strive because of that experience to do what I can to understand others and be compassionate and kind, I will never forget that I can only understand fully my existence because of what lies in my own heart.

I used to base my decisions on the guidance of others, whether it resonated with me or not because of their accomplishments or they were psychic or whatever.  Well, that never worked but listening to what’s inside and going with what feels right each time, no matter the outcome of the experience, is taking me through more and more illumination in my life.

Thank you!

“When you get back from the land of enchantment, you will radiate, Brother!”  Kawiks