Peace

“High above the mucky muck, castle in the clouds, there sits Wonder Boy something something something… Nothing left to say when you’re high above the mucky mucky.” Tenacious D

There is a mountain, some call it the mountain of God. Others call it other things like enlightenment or awakening to our true beauty.

I was called to a spiritual journey long ago after reading a book, Peace is Every Step.  I fought and denied my heart because it made no sense and I was afraid. I went the direction of societal expectation and found mixed results in that my heart was dying. I felt dead for so long.

Last year, as the cosmos threw me an immense curve, I answered the call. Two trips across the US later and I realize there is a mountain inside… I’m not claiming to be enlightened but I will state that I woke up.

This life is too short to worry, to have fear. I was so planning oriented and waiting for the next thing to happen that I missed how beautiful the present is. In the end, all we have is one moment and I now see how important it is to take care and honor that moment.

My teacher told me to walk a labyrinth for my healing. The practice is pretty old and for long story reason I assigned my healing to take place in San Francisco. As I walked through the city for the first time in 13 years just a few days ago, I was overcome with great joy because I had arrived.

I have a hard time committing to and finishing things. It took me 6.5 years to get through college after changing my major many times, so to get there after I’d seen the signs, had the dreams to go there so many times when I began my walk last year, it meant so much.

I am an intense energy and tend to fill my days when I have to because I ultimately knew I was called home, I felt it in my heart, and I accept that I am going to die physically. I do this because when present in the fullness of each moment, we have all the time we need in the world at that moment and what’s next does not matter.

So back to the labyrinth. I walked the two at Grace Cathedral. It was a powerfully moving and emotional experience. As I walked the outdoor one, I saw my whole life, how it played up to that point and how everything works out intricately. I felt the love I had for everyone who had touched me. What’s most telling about this experience though, is that I forgave myself. I forgave myself for being so hard and for thinking I failed at the different elements in my life. I realized that I had everything I ever wanted or needed at any given time. And I guess that is what it means to me to feel liberated. It freed me because I realized that I was not sinful as my Christian roots hammered home, it showed me the depth and range of my humanity and how beautiful that truly is.

It was a hard dose of reality in a sense too. Before I left and if you read over the blogs I have written since July, I weave in what was always in my heart: family.

And before everything changed, I had everything I ever wanted: a woman I loved completely and who balanced me, a woman who will be the greatest mother to her children because of her own experience in this life, a comfortable home, and budding employment in something I enjoyed.

I was called to journey shortly after first meeting her and I was so afraid to lose her. I don’t write this to beat myself up but I realize now how important the inner work is. Only in doing so can we be walk through all the seasons of life and be able to appreciate the Now as it is, with whoever, whatever we walk into.

Life is a tricky but simple thing. It is immense and yet it is so small.  It really is peace.  As I look back at the ranges I have shot out in since I began writing, I see, I feel the strings pulling me in every direction of expansion.  As excited as I can get, as much as I can throw Light when I feel like it, I realize that my essence is really peace.  I will walk through and experience whatever emotion I am feeling at any given time as I am human but I know in my heart that I will always resonate back to peace for it is at the core of my being.  I think there is beauty in peace.

Gratia.

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