Honesty is the best policy I often heard growing up. I’m cool with that. I will be the first to say I am as guilty as any other for telling white lies and omission over the years. I am Human. What I can no longer do is lie to myself. That hurts my Being. That’s the most horrible thing, I think, lying to oneself and suffering because of that.
I lied for so long in that I thought that I wasn’t enough without the love of someone else. I enjoy love. If you read the first three chapters of my book you can tell I’m bout it bout it in regards to love.
But that person is no longer in my life. I don’t think it wrong to love her as it is and I don’t need her or anyone else I’ve realized. That’s the biggest lie, that we’re not enough without another person. Whether it be their presence, their words, their validation, whatever.
I don’t need any of that. Do I enjoy it. Yes, it’s enjoyable at times but you know what, like Diddy said: Can’t stop. Won’t Stop.
For real. I can’t stop and I won’t stop because I don’t have someone with me. There’s a big ass world and alot I want to experience. I believe in living life fully, I want to keep growing and expanding. That’s who I am.
Why am I writing this? Well, I ran into a friend who at one point I was kind of feeling something, I took a shot, she shut it down. That was cool. I moved on. But apparently she didn’t and I’m sick of the karmic pattern as it is playing out and I have to write to wrap my thoughts around it.
I used to hold my tongue alot because I didn’t want to hurt people but I watched as this little dynamic between us play out, I look at the needy text messages, I felt the little passive-aggressive jabs as I discussed some recent events and thoughts I had around them.
Let’s give some more backstory.
I had just gotten a custom tattoo on my arm from Adam at 434 Tattoo (see the banner…), the adrenaline dump kicked in, and I was drinking coffee. She saw me and went running after me. In my peripheral, I saw someone barreling toward me and I stepped out of the way conscious of my body, not wanting my newly done piece to be touched. Well, she slipped or something. I didn’t see it. I think she contrived it in her head but her knees hurt apparently. So she kept saying, what does that mean? Then it led to a comment about stop chasing me. Ha, like I asked to be chased. I explored that option at one point, it didn’t work, cool, relationships and opportunities come in waves. If I catch one, great. If not, great. Life is cool as it unfolds, I don’t have to rush.
She asked me awhile back why I wasn’t dating. I don’t date right now because I’m on the grind, I’m focused, and I experienced a great love and I’m not about to settle for someone who wants to play games and is all in the head. I did enough of that in my life. I’m pau/finished with that.
I called her later and left a message: sorry I make you weak in the knees. Then I got pissed at myself because I wasn’t being honest and I was sinking my level. Rather than say, eh, this dynamic doesn’t serve me, I sunk into the passive-aggressiveness myself. I took a jab. I admit that. That’s honest. I took a breath. I processed and realized it all goes back, way back, and it is another piece of inner child work that helps me, that heals me. It was me not being able to speak my truth earlier so it built up and manifested in my own hurtful comment.
So as much as I was irritated by the ridiculousness of those comments, lol there were many, it’s cool, it was the experience I needed and if anything, I’m stoked we didn’t end up dating. I’ve had enough of dealing with selfish people who don’t know what’s going on in my life or what I’ve been dealing with. I think that’s the part that gets me the most. As I do my spiritual work, I find that there are more people out there who benefit from this work, from the way I see things, they don’t feel so alone. They shouldn’t. Because they have themselves. And that is and should be enough. I think the reason we act out is because sometimes we don’t feel enough for ourselves. That’s where the selfishness comes in. The neediness.
So rather than say go f@ck yourself. I breathe in. I exhale. I send you love. It’s a process. I can relate because I was just like that in many relationships in general and I have the potential as evidence by my passive-aggressive reaction. Life’s a journey. Keep going.
That’s honest. That’s the truth. That’s what I feel right now, that’s loving me, that’s valuing me and validating me. Yeah. I’ll testify in favor of honesty. That’s my case today.
Peace-Sign, Thumbs up, Throw the Shaka.