Last Letters: The Out-takes

Following up the serious tone of this essay on Death and this Last Letter to my Children, I had to inject humor into the book(It’ll Be Okay… Healing Amidst Living, Loving, and Dying, yada, etc. blah blah blah). I’d like to think there was humor all throughout most of it but eh, I can think all I want you know?

If you read here, then you’ll see that I was creating something along the way/there being a point to it all. And little did I know the CDC would issue a Zombie Apocalypse Protocol and the Preachers would preach about the End of Times so I suppose it was fitting I wrote these Last Letters.   See, really am Psychic!  (But so are you!)

Check back for more Letters and some Op-Eds that I wrote to the NY Times, San Francisco Chronicle, and Chicago Sun Tribune.  I’ll have some Op-Ed out-takes as well I’m sure.

Anyhow, here’s some of my Last Letters that didn’t make the cut, hence The Out-takes:

Letters To Some Famous People:

President Barack Obama:

To my fellow Keiki o ka Aina, I lived in the same building as you.  It tripped me out.  It inspired me in many ways.  I say keep going and doing what you gotta do.  I don’t think McCain would have done a much better job.  I believe all of you in that post are doing the best you can.  Even Bush.  We’re lucky we are free to play armchair President.  Even those of us people who aren’t American.  What a life, eh?  I wrote this book for many reasons but in part because I agree with you:  “I believe that we can be better.”

Lil Wayne:

You’re brilliant.  I hope this book drives up sales although you’re pretty huge so my free advertisements might not be helping much.  But I can hope to help.  I admire your creativity and flow.  Keep it going Weezy Wee!  If I’m still alive and you read this, please let me write a rhyme for you.  Shoots!

Grace Park:

I have had a crush on you ever since you were Boomer in Battlestar Galactica.  I told myself I would talk to you and not treat you like a celebrity if I ever ran into you at Whole Foods in Kahala.  I had this whole idea how I would break the ice by discussing how great a job you did playing Boomer.  It was a challenging role they gave you, not to mention some of the things your character had to go through.  I thought you did a great job.  So anyway, the day came, I saw you, and I chickened out.  Oh well…

Kate Plus Eight:

Your husband wasn’t too cool in the end but you stomped on the poor guy.  That video of you yelling at your kids to drink the water was kind of rough too.  I feel a lot of compassion for you.  Life is just crazy and I can’t imagine what your soul wanted in this incarnation.  It’d be interesting to read your cards.  I wish the best to your kids and hope that they get all the support they need as being in the spotlight from that early on has been rough on other kids.

BJ Penn:

Run for Governor of Hawaii.  I guaranteed you’d win and the politicians would respect you because in real life you would beat their asses.  They have to enact a law where the Governor could apply a Rear Naked Choke (RNC) to a bad bill or something.  IDK.  It’d be entertaining.  Or you could RNC some of the Hawaii Reps or Sens.  There’s a bunch that deserve it I imagine.  Just ask their constituents.

Tito Ortiz:

You talk a lot of shit but you’re about your business and I was always pulling for you to make a comeback.  Call me old school, I first started Muay Thai around the time you fought Shamrock and that sold me on MMA as the most awesome sport ever.  Good luck guy!

Will Smith:

You were like my TV big brother.  I felt like I learned a lot of life lessons from you and it was cool to see you move into movies.  Thanks for being that big brother that I could pop into the DVD player when I got older and needed some advice.

Charlie Sheen:

See someone to help with your awakening.  I argued that you were waking up and it scared away an opportunity for me to get interviewed for some of my work that I did in the area of mystical experiences (you owe me).  I clearly feel like you’re having some very clear mystical experiences but don’t know how to deal with it.  But eh, don’t listen if you don’t want to.  You seem to have it under control.  And you have a machete so you’re good to go.

Zach Galifanakis:

You crack me up.  Your video to that one song where you are on the tractor which was a Kanye track (I think) was pretty awesome.  I hope you keep doing your two ferns thing for years to come because laughter is such a great part of life. Note: my friend Bryce wants to be in movies.  He could play your brother in something.  Plus according to him, his beard is more awesome.

President George W. Bush:

You’re like the Uncle I’d want to drink a beer with.  And I don’t really drink much, if at all these days.  And if I do it’s wine.  I like beer, just doesn’t agree with me.  I get what we call in Hawaii the Asian glow and turn all red.  Anyway, thanks for your sense of humor man.  You seemed to take stuff really in stride.  Hope retirement is better than the Presidency was.  I tried to write a piece for some website about how you had some similarities to Leonidas around the time The 300 came out.  It didn’t do too well.  I think that’s the reason people didn’t vote for it which is funny because as much shit as people talk you got re-elected.  Anyway, good luck to you, Sir, I think you did the best you could.

Oprah:

Doesn’t look like I made it on your show.  It’s your last year anyway.  Oh well.  Keep on doing what you’re doing.  I will be honest, I used to think a lot of people were brainwashed by you but I put down the Haterade because you do some great things for the world so if it means drinking the O Network Kool Aid in order to do great things in the world, sign me up.  Congrats to you and all you accomplished.  I hope more women can be as empowered and amazing as you are!

The Jersey Shore:

I have only seen a handful of episodes of your show because if you read this, you know I haven’t had much cable.  What to say to you all?  Well, I imagine you, like the rest of us are trying to make the most out of your lives and trying to put the pieces together.  I hope some day you don’t feel like you have to sell yourselves or act out unless that’s really in your hearts.  I kind of doubt it but the douchebaggery is possible for any and all of us so cool.  Take care of your ladies and no more getting beat downs.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama:

You’re pretty awesome.  I heard the coolest story of how some guy named Israel met you at the White House and he wasn’t the official greeter because Condoleeza was.  He was slightly scared he’d get in trouble but you were so nice he didn’t want to peace out right away.  It cracked me up because he said you introduced yourself and he followed it up with Israel because that was his name.  It just painted a funny picture in my mind, the Dalai Lama and Israel.  Anyway, thanks for being such a down being and so open.  You rock!

Jack Black:

One of my best friends reminds me of you.  His name is Tai and he plays music.  I wrote the perfect movie for you.  It wouldn’t have won you an Oscar or anything but it would have been cool and probably would have made us some scrilla.  Tai and I tried your all food groups McDonald’s sandwich back in the day.  Wasn’t too great… Whatever though, keep (bleeping) it gently!

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