I feel as though something inside me is dying. I haven’t been able to place it but I find deep sparks of emotion bubbling. Oh the joy, the ride that is the spiritual journey…
I was given a calling at the age of 23. Here I am, 8 years later, age 31, and I have an idea what that means. I see that I have been given a spiritual experience to share and that I have been able to share and guide others of all ages. The humanity of me, the part of me that shudders at the awe of the unknown, no longer is in the driver’s seat.
“You so far out there.” The words of my teacher resonate. She was emphasizing that I look at things from so many different angles, going within so deeply that though it isn’t anything new, it’s presentation is in a way that is new for someone my age.
I’m scared. I’m not scared of living. Of being fully because my best friend is a 72 year old woman. I’m scared because this is it, be who I am and accept that there is a stark degree feeling alone in that. This is the threshold that I was told about at the beginning of last year, prior to the implosion of my life as I was forced into submission, to go within to listen closer.
I’m tired. I’ve worked hard at this. A mentor once said, to those around you, they may not understand, but only you can fully see the transformation and realize it was work.
I see how I created the experience of my life. I can read the writing on the wall backwards and am quick to catch the negative patterns as they start to unfold so that those pattern don’t recreate the wheel of suffering I was once addicted to as I head forward.
I now realize something that I never wanted to admit. Life truly is subjective because regardless of finding a connection via feelings, there is absolutely no other physically living person who can relate. It’s just not possible. The only possible way to relate is via consciousness and unless we transcend our outdated ways to thinking and being, we are destined to fail as a civilization in the eternal quest. That’s the why the search for God, for Love, whatever term you wish to use to describe the Divine as it is imprinted within and all around is so important.