My writing, writing, writing has slid to a halt in the last few days but not because it’s stuck. There’s still flow, I’ve had to take a step back and absorb everything that has changed and unfolded, get myself back into the Flow-cal Point of it all. And so, here I write, seemingly about nothing but about everything…
I listen to music all the time. I read many books. I find it interesting that much of what I express is echoed in the music and the books that I read. It’s not just old material that’s already been expressed or has been around for a long time (although what comes out in a new fashion is merely something old redecorated) but new albums, new songs, new artists and books that relate to what I’ve been processing, which amazes me because it’s like I just thought something and it turns up in lyrics, in prose, on screen.
For example, I was listening to Lil Wayne’s Tha Carter IV the other day. Weezy has been present since before my physical transformation and in the midst of my spiritual transformation, both which are ongoing, on-Flowing. I’ve commented on his creativity many times on here before because is work came along at a time when I needed to feel that energy of creativity. But it goes beyond creativity. In the new album, I could hear many references to astrology (I work as a Psychic), How to Love resonates because so many times have I met a woman whose heart was crooked it drives me crazy (in my life and the track b/c it’s overplayed), and then the track, Mirrors, hit w/Bruno Mars and I was floored. How many times I have looked in the mirror to see my number fan and number one detractor staring back at me? How many times in my life were those eyes filled with disdain? Worse yet, how often were they vacant?
I have a hard time with my awareness, my intuition. It scares me. I have nothing to prove these days because I have enough evidence to convince myself of it and that really is all that matters. The times when I do get challenged, more often than not I laugh or speak my truth, whatever that may be in that moment. I let the observer watch it all, the Light focused to the summit, the mountaintop of consciousness. Still, I have a hard time with it.
I’m 31 and I’ve met only a handful of people my age who can relate to what I’m expressing. Most people who relate are older or younger, a good 8-10 years on either side. I often told myself my age was perfect to convince myself to write and share. I was in the middle, able to relate to the old because of my life experiences and the young, able to connect because I still see the importance of stoking the dream fires of the heart. Young and old, alike. But then where do I stand amongst my peers?
I do not feel alone. Make no mistake. I just don’t know what I’m doing. Maybe I never did and only now I am conscious of that. As I look at the three decades of life behind me, I never knew what each before me would hold. At least this time I have an idea of what I’d really like to experience. That’s a bonus. I think. Many have told me at 40, I’d be on top of the world. My mind wants 33 but like I said, I don’t know what life is going to bring. My self science experiment is only now getting better and flowing smoothly daily. I have to take some comfort in that. And I’m prepared for the worst because so many times I wasn’t because I was so afraid of it, didn’t know if I could make it through the worst. The worst things I could have imagined, the greatest losses I could have envisioned happened. I’m not going to envision those anymore. I was successful at creating pain in my life, I dealt it to others. I am going to be more successful at creating joy, at sharing that with others.
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m okay with that. I’m more okay with that than allowing myself to feel frustration, to allow resentment. I have both. We all do. My frustration is on my multiple levels but ultimately goes back to who looks back at me in the Mirror. There were things I was born into, this age, this time, these values. I allowed that to sway me, to lead me astray. I chose that. At first not knowing better, than too afraid to do a thing about it.
I resent my awareness. I’m not saying I’m the shit. That’s not my intent. I’m just good. And it gets stronger, clearer each day. I resent that I am not simple. Complex, a wise woman once called me. I think she changed her tune to complicated at some point. I know not. For Simple Voice, I’m complex, we all are, I’m just more conscious of it than many, and far less conscious than others. I resent that because I’ve popped into the level the Light, embrace the Dark in order to be whole. Yet my Journey is not over. It’s not complete. Maybe that’s what I resent, what I’m frustrated with most. Not a Death wish mind you, but I want what each soul wants most, to go Home.
I’m challenged. I don’t feel trapped by that. The challenge excites me. I know I will be victorious by my standards. Or will I? At this time, even though my resume is pretty amazing, I can hold a conversation with anyone, and have a huge heart, I am not recognized. I don’t care about that. But I hear my Grandmother worries about me. She is scared for my future because I’m not like her generation. My parents understand it or at least they try now and I respect that because I have worked at seeing what they had and why they are as they are. But I feel for my family. I want to make them proud. Can I make anyone proud if they don’t value what I value? Can I even be proud of what I’ve done when I am frustrated at the lack of material value its brought?
It’s early. I’m young, I’m told. At least I have the foundation. I appreciate that. As much as I vented just now, I truly do appreciate I’ve the foundation. Though I’m not about to run off and knock someone up, I feel like what was restless inside is now accepted and I could teach my children what I am meant to because I get what’s inside me and am open to keep growing with it. I’m a better man. I’m a growing man. I’m a whole man. I value that whether it makes me money, whether it scares others when I can allow myself to share love whilst being vulnerable. That’s the point. Let’s hope I don’t skim points so much and just enjoy. Enjoyment is really the only point we have it would seem…