Mis-Adventures in Urban Mysticism: Tuck My Tail

This isn’t a misadventure so much as it is recalling a number of times in my life where I had to sit back and lick my wounds, tuck my tail if you will…

I remember how back in the day, I hopped from job to job thinking this was it, I’d found it.  And it wasn’t what I was looking for.  Dejected, putting all my energy in time and time again only to be misled by own rush, my own zest to really live using the compass of logic, though logic is necessary, it is illogical to trump the Heart, something I’ve always known but it took experience to teach, to grill deep within.

I remember the same with my relationships, putting unrealistic pressure on the situation, watching the seems fly apart, watching the intensity and strength of love dissolve as I was not whole and as life set in, a life which is unavoidable so long as we are in the body and is the whole reason we are in the body in the first place.  I resented my humanity.  I felt so lost, bruised each time and no one could understand my intense passion for living, why self-mastery was so important.  How could anyone?  When I didn’t understand it myself…

My battle is no longer arduous.  I don’t need to retreat.  I do take time to myself but where it was once spent in inner turmoil, it is spent cultivating peace, being gentle with myself, and remembering the futility I engaged in for so long and the subsequent pain it caused.  I find the “bigger” part of Soul coaching the “smaller” parts of my psyche, building their community and allowing each expression including my Inner Skeptic and Inner Douche Bag.

Today, each day, I watch as people are finding me, much as I once found people, sought out for confirmation, my own Five People You Meet in Heaven type of scenario playing out not after death but in the Kingdom here and now, each day, each conversation as I testify about the Spirit, as I offer not only proof but “show” my scars.

Scars I wear proudly and offer and share because it is through the healing of scars that we know our love, the true love deep within and no longer need to retreat, no longer have to tuck our tails and feel defeat because life is exactly as it should be in each and every moment, there is no need to resist it.  There is no defeat, only growth.  And that to me is beauty.

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