Bullets : A Clipful of Words

My Heart

My Heart’s like a gun /

And my words / Each One’s like a bullet /

My delivery / The Trigger /

About Time that I pull It

 

First Shot

Deep in the mines of Earth, splintered mind /

Mining for gold /

Only coal you’ll find /

But Diamond Behold /

If you truly Know /

That Glow from Within /

Your Soul Glistening /

Stop, shhh, don’t speak, get to Listening /

The Voice of the Spirit /

There / Right There / Do you Hear It ? /

Can you feel It ?

So close are you /

No need to be near it /

Beat beat of the Heart /

The Bass of a Drum /

Mindful Gun /

Watch Collective Ego go and run, run, run /

 

In the Chamber

There in the chamber /

Ready to roll /

Strike deep / Fear’s in Danger /

Let the feelings flow/

Oh Shadowy Intuitive Strange-er /

Ready to embrace, just wants to hold /

You like the Inner Child you are /

Let go relax, watch your path Unfold

 

Bullseye

Pop / Pop / Pop /

Won’t stop/

Til my Ego drop /

Rum / Pum / Pum

My Bullet’s fired /

From a Loving Gun empowered/

In the ether /

Went from Seeker /

To Speaker /

Once a Listener /

Always a Listener /

And that right there Glistener /

Is how you hit the mark /

It’s the way to roll free of Soul’s Night Dark

oh so Dark /

 

Clik Clak

Click clack /

Clack click /

Drop to your knees /

Bow your head if you please /

If You only knew your only need /

That is, what your Soul need’s to feed /

And if you feed off the Spiritual Water / That which is your only need /

No longer will you suffer or eternally bleed

 

 

 

 

 

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AUM Redux: The Pursuit of Happiness Through Mr. Rager

The song Mr. Rager by Kid Cudi has been on my repeat and bouncing around for a hot minute like no other in my brain, I feel it, I agree with it, it vibes me, and yeah.  When I saw the video, it felt like a dream, a dream I had dreamed before and one that I could not interpret when seeing it in my own life. But in the video it makes the imagery so clear for me. Its entirety coupled with my experiences give me this…

I was attempting to break it down step by step but I think I’ll hold on and make it my Thesis or my Dissertation should I choose to go the academic route.  For now, I will share the dream that happened to me this morning.

It began as I exited a dream myself.  I awoke from either a really long dream or a double-feature dream, can’t really tell.  My day continued and I made my way to the University of Hawaii at Manoa, a place where I spent a few years working and studying (or something like that but I did get a degree out of it) and took part in an experience that was most welcome.  I exited and felt good.  I don’t know why but I felt good.  I felt like I was back on my Path or at least I realized that I was always on it and that life had given me what I sought at the University.  Probably a little bit of all of the above.

I was never really off the Pat but when I left UH so many years ago, everything was spinning, and what I was doing there today was the first step to getting back in line with something that meant something because it was something that meant something, plain and simple (repetition by design).

And that’s the thing, repetition is by design, repetition in lessons until we get them, similar themes, people, and so forth, each piece of the puzzle smoothing, sanding us down, refining us so that we figure out what we are seeking, why we are here, or who knows, maybe just accepting the Journey as it is and letting it all unfold and be what it is and could only be.

And that’s not an easy process.  I’ve fougt the ride, I have clung, I have run until I reached a point where I knew not what to do but go with it, the beating I was experience through fighting life was too much.  Each experience, each breath gives us clues and reflections of our wholeness.  The dreams serve to show us the energy and should we ignore them, well, life is just a seemingly endless series of wtfraks.

The breadcrumbs in the writing illustrate my own chaos, my own confusion about life, yearning to truly Know that there was something more but not knowing how exactly to get there.  So many highs, so many lows.  As I strive towards the summit, to see the Light, it’s not the Dark that must win.  It’s misunderstood to be the Dark when really it is the Shadow that must set the other parts of us free, the energy within us that does not wish to acknowledge who we really are…

In the Mr. Rager Video, Kid faces off against his own Inner World and the video ends with him getting stabbed by his identical shadow.  It is that shadow in the beginning of the video/dream sequence that bears the light and stands at the highest point.  It is that Shadow that meets him as Kid battles his way through other characters from his Inner World, only to finally be blinded by his Anima, his feminine energy, his naturally Intuitive side, which allows him to finally meet the Shadow.  In so doing, he is embraced by the Shadow, set free from the suffering it would seem, and finally he awakes.

The more I move through life in blind fashion by allowing my Intuition to be, not fight it but allow it to guide me, the stronger the embrace of the Shadow becomes, and it is in that embrace, that I truly see.

In recent weeks, I have asked for clarity.  The other day I asked for freedom.  Today as I walked through UH, as I returned to my long-time home for the first time in many years, as I watched a gentlemen juggle as would the fool, as I saw the Tarot Deck and it’s archetypes alive around me, I smiled.  I said yes.  Because I had learned through life what I thought a Degree would give me.  Someone once told me, there are infinite degrees, one degree, two degrees, three, whatever, are merely degrees of knowledge.  And college is cool, but that wasn’t what I was seeking.

I thought, hey the Degree would mean happiness.  Nope.  Then I thought the job was it.  Nada.  And I always thought the relationship with the One would be it.  Not that either.

Eight years ago, I was told by my first mentor, one day, I would only smile.  It’s funny because do not know if I will only smile but I’ll tell you what, I smile a darn lot these days and I can accept when I’m not smiling because it teaches me too.  I no longer fight it.  Because happiness to me being able to walk in the middle, to find the beauty in all thins.  Because if you look, really truly take the time to reflect, you will see beauty and love are always there.  And that makes me happy…

I appreciate that.  I love that.  I can get down with that.  Because like Kid Cudi said before Mr. Rager:

“I’m on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shines ain’t always gonna be gold
I’ll be fine once I get it, I’ll be goooood.”

 

AUM Redux: Circles Done Closing…

Circles, I like to close them.  It’s funny because when you close a circle, it means that something is over, it’s done, it’s pau, as we say in Hawaii.

A few weeks or maybe it was months ago, I told my cousin, Keone, that I felt like I was closing a circle working out in Kaneohe again.  He said to me that when you close a circle it means your done…

At the age of 26, just short of the start of my Saturn Return [I argue that is when it started because that’s when sh** done started to go crazy], I told the Universe, I had my Heart-to-Heart with God and said: I’m going to live my Dream, whatever that is.

So I let a relationship end without a fight, I accepted it, I quit my job, and I decided it was time for me to do something.  I’d no idea what but I had to do something different, you know?  I was in Kaneohe at that time in a situation similar to what I’m in now.

Literally, quote unquote.  I said, “I’m going to live my dream, whatever that is.”  Gotta be some Poet/Free Spirit to say that because it was a plan without a plan.  But how does one break free when one has not done it before?

And what’s the point of living if we aren’t free?  People have fought slavery and oppression almost since it’s inception.  Why then, can we not fight for spiritual liberation?

Bob Marley said to “Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.”  I’ve seen that quote on t-shirts, psychedelic multi-colored looking posters, heard it sung, and so forth.  But what does that quote mean?  Why does it speak to us?

I think it coincides with the whole dream idea, because the dream is to be free.  I didn’t realize it, remember now, I didn’t have a plan for freedom, I had plans for relationships, jobs, and to make money but I had no plan for freedom so I didn’t realize that was my dream.

To be free from suffering because it came no matter what the others plans achieved or accomplished.  Every damn time.  And I’m not saying I don’t acknowledge pain, death, and so forth because…

Pain will happen, no doubt, that’s just a part of the deal, you know?  Lik you buy a car, you gotta put gas, you gotta do some things here and there.  So pain doesn’t matter much in the suffering equation because I can accept it.  I may not like it but I can accept same as I can accept fear, doubt, frustration. Very real feelings, unpleasant at best, but valuable teachers nonetheless.  Just like anger and melancholy can be just as monumental for growth as joy.

But I fought every feeling.  I didn’t want any of it.  I wanted the illusion of the dream as how it was pitched, which included job, relationship, money, etc.  Now I’m not saying any of those are bad, but in my opinion, those alone will not give us any lasting satisfaction for what we seek is freedom from the shackles that our minds are enraptured with since birth.

I’ve cried tears, many tears, the lines of which run deep, though no other see them and though I only feel them and the salt water that ran through my eyes have helped me to understand that my dream is about really freeing myself, knowing myself, letting myself be okay with being myself.

And I learn more and more about what that means to my unique path, multiple times throughout the day.  And it’s funny because it is liberating, it is challenging, it is enjoyable, it carries me, it fulfills me.  And therein lies the answer to what I sought…

The themes of living my dream began with shedding unnecessary baggage, showed me the value of balance, it lead me through the healing of the deepest wound/that separation from the Divine, gave me confidence, showed me that what I truly seek is clarity and fulfillment, because when I allow both, then I feel free.

I always wanted a shared experience with someone.  I had no idea that could be myself.  It makes sense though, no other can be like me or know me just as I cannot be anyone else nor can I truly know what goes on between the earlobes of another.  But in growing into and allowing myself to be who I am, I can accept another for though the details of the Path of another are different, the Journey itself, what it is truly about, is the same.

I write this today because a Mirror appeared unexpectedly and it disappeared without causing me much emotion.  If anything, it showed me that I am one step closer to my freedom, my spiritual emancipation.  Not in a rushed fashion but one less attachment to drive the hurricane between my own earlobes insane.  And today that gives me some clarity and it feels fulfilling. It closes a circle I no longer need in helping me to walk.

I honor you, I thank you.  I love you though you may not know it in this life.  I release you.

 

AUM Redux: Slam

When I drove home, every night this past week, yes that’s every night, I slammed…

I always wanted to slam.  When I was a youth, I played basketball, so slamming was a big thing.  We’d play H-O-R-S-E on 8′ rims and do our best impressions of Michael Jordan from the free throw line or Isaiah Rider’s East Bay Funk Dunk or yeah.  The highest I ever slammed on was a 9′ rim.  It was probably more like 8’11” because of people hanging on it but yeah, you get the point.

Something about soaring, flying through the air.  Something about flying through life…

So this past week, as I finished work near 11 each night and I made the trek up the mountain in the Dark of Night, driving through the rain, I felt a rumbling from the depths of my Soul and I had to speak, if only to myself and speak up for my Self.

First and foremost, as much as I’m a writer and sooner rather than later a published Author, I consider myself a Poet.  When I began writing on here, the only thing that came through, that which made me feel better was Poetry.  I didn’t necessarily like my raw poetic Voice and I hadn’t really developed or met my Conscientious Observer Voice.  But something about Poetry…

So I rolled with poetry because I have always had something to say.  And poetry was natural, it could capture anything, any experience, every feeling, and because I didn’t know a lick about how to really write it, I didn’t judge it, I just did it.

I recorded a couple slams in the past but see not liking voice above, I didn’t go very far with it.  But something this past week, for whatever reasons was roaring and I had to do it, not for an audience, but for myself.

It began like this:

My Heart

My Heart’s like a gun /

And my words /

Each one’s a bullet /

My delivery the trigger /

about time I pull it /

It’d be followed a few nights later by:

My Light is my Darkness/

But my Darkness/

My Darkness ain’t my Light/

Snippets, snippets I do share.  But man, this is a whole different form of expression and is screaming from the depths of me.  I can’t help but speak.  I  can’t remember all that I said while I was driving, but for some reason, I remember those two pieces because it made me think.  I wasn’t trying to do it, LOL, it just came out and I had to think about what each meant.  Still pondering.

So I wrote it down and it’s in my journal, just like the night I spoke a poem to a full moon.  A night when I felt truly alive. To be truly alive always, is that even possible?

I’m not dead.  I don’t feel like I’m flying right now, the plane is on the runway, I feel that much, and at least, I still feel alive.  And that’s progress for me. Because when I was in limbo periods in the past, I’d hate my life.

So yeah… while I can’t hang on the rim, hanging around ain’t really my thing.  I’m going to slam and Poet my way through what I do, when I do, how I do.

And with that: I’m out!

 

AUM Redux: Put You On Game

A few years ago, Lupe Fiasco had a song called “Put You on Game” that I greatly enjoyed.  The phrase is the same as putting someone on blast or for those who aren’t so hip-hop inclined, well, it’s airing some things.  This edition of AUM is me airing a few things…

On Email Threads

I have this growing email thread with a cat by the name of Doomsday, who has made it into the annals of AUM a few times now.  Well, he’s no longer a client, but emails me from time to time, and every time it’s the same as before about chaos and Darkness and bleh.  Whether the Dark is really truly plotting something, whether it targets one or more of us specifically, what can we really do but live our lives?  I mean seriously.  I have tried sharing this, I reinforce that my life is good and it is, not just me saying it, but feeling it, experiencing it because I accept it for what it is.  But he has an agenda and sees what he wants to see, which it’s like man, wt-efffffff.  Please stop putting your Darkness on me, Homie!

Do I have challenges?  For sure.  Is life all sunshine?  Obviously, between hail, tornadoes, and flash floods in Hawaii, on at least that level, it’s not all sunny.  But even then, with the weather, I’ve seen a few rainbows…

My point?  Well, doesn’t matter how many times you tell someone something, they have to figure it our for themselves.

Which Segues Nicely To…

Blowing smoke up my ass.  Little games that people play about their spiritual growth are lame.  Why can I say that, because I played them as well.  I have worked with people in the past and I can see the writing on the wall with what they are doing currently, yet there they go, trying to get me to believe in their B***S*** story.  That’s cool, you think what you do.  That’s great for whatever but I’m not taking your feelings folks for I am not responsible for them, so don’t look to me for validation of idiocy.  You won’t find it.  Read here and you’ll find countless examples of my own idiocy.  There are entries here that I cringe about but I leave them because it was where I was at and if anything, they are like bread crumbs..

There’s no point in jumping to any conclusion while you are alive.  I can say that now because how many freaking times have I concluded only for a new beginning to follow or grow disappointed because the expected conclusion turned out alot differently then my original expectation.

Let go, let Life.

Life is a never-ending story of realizations.  I can no longer conclude, all I can do is to realize further and further, learn, do my best to grow, cultivate and maintain, accept, be authentic, be True, and yeah.

It is what it is, it will be what it will be.  Either way does it matter, if one is not present?

In Closing

Super stoked on The Tales of Mr. E. and the King, the story is taking itself in directions I’d not envisioned.  VERY grateful I have a place to live, love that I work with good people who have amazing Hearts, and really stoked that I feel the Presence of the Spirit, get to see, listen, and hear so long as my own presence is there.

With that, I vented, I blasted. I’m O-U-T, out!

 

AUM Redux: Am I Dead?

I know this woman, she told me once before that she sometimes thinks or convinces herself that she is Dead, walking amongst living.  Not like Night of the Living Dead zombie “erm, brains” Dead but like not alive.  Hmmm, I guess you’d have to ask her what she meant because I get the sense I’m butchering what she meant…

My ex told me a month or two ago, as she was encountering Dark Spirits and called me out of the blue to exorcise or scrye or sage or whatever her new place, anyway, point being, she told me I was never afraid.  And that’s true in a sense.  I’m not afraid of Death.

For awhile I was afraid of having not lived, cliche as that may sound, but I was never afraid of Death.  I have often reflected on Death and if anything, we’re homies, and it’ll be the last Date I ever have in this life unless I figure out immortality but that is fairly and most probably unlikely.

That being said, sometimes, I do feel like I’m dead, like “really, is this it?” kind of feeling.  I find beauty and joy in the smallest of things but I also do feel confined from time to time.  I will admit that there’s an impatience that can arise, as The Wild One within howls, as I tend to move through experiences at a fast rate but I think what kills me (figuratively) is when I’m out of balance.

Balance is what I have the hardest time maintaining.  I’ve learned to cultivate it but I’m as human as the next person and each random hero challenge hits and it’s either react or respond.  In the past it was always react.  When I reacted before, I tended to dig deeper holes, self-sabotage, the whole nine yards of inviting chaos to have drink or something.  When I respond, I am more likely to accept and allow harmony to come over and hug me.  It’s a hard practice and while I’m more gentle with myself and my choices, doesn’t mean a snap of the fingers and a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine of life lessons go down that much more smoothly.

But that’s life, you know?  I once wrote I would dine on rage.  And I did, a few periods of life, I overindulged in it.  I have also snacked on depression, have had steady dose of melancholy on hand over the years.  But the trick, the thing that helps me to keep going when it gets overwhelming is to breathe, ask the Spirit for help, and for sure make sure to get my daily session of happiness and laughter because that’s medicine too, even if it’s just a small bit of it.

So I’m not dead.  But sometimes I feel like it.  And that’s okay too, whenever I acknowledge and accept whatever I’m feeling, it usually sparks creativity and gets me to find humor amidst seemingly tragic happenings. Like last week, I was doing laundry with some crack heads, a 6’5″ tranny and her 5’nothing boyfriend, some kid with holes in his pants trying to sell everyone drugs, and a happy Micronesian family.  It was an odd assortment of characters, not particularly pleasant but I imagined a scenario where Death was an entity like the IRS, and the average Death Collector was sitting there doing laundry, wondering, “Is this it? Really…”

So I laughed and now It’s cool.

; )

The Enchanted Tree

Chapter One – The Enchanted Tree

A Hawk flies through the dark of night, the darkness only broken up by the rhythmic pulse of Lady Lightning and her fingers.  He flies with purpose and has flown across many lands, through many planes of existence.  There’s been a Call and the Hawk is to summon One who is ready now for the Journey.

The Hawk tires, long has he flown, through many lives, not just as the Hawk, but as a man, as a beast, as creatures of a thousand names.  The Hawk knows this landscape very well though.  The destination is near, he feels its pulse for it’s not one for All, All for one, but One is All and All is One.  The black fields of ancient volcanic flows, long settled open up finally to a giant crater, The Crater Where All Life Began.  There in the center of the Crater is the mythical Enchanted Banyan, a tree some say was the first tree ever created, around the same time a seed of the Great Spirit dropped like but a beat, with a rhyme, as The Hand That Wrote It All began to Dream itself…

Lady Lightning dares not enter The Crater Where All Life Began, not because she is not welcome, but because its inhabitants, or shall we say, its largest inhabitant, likes to admire her for inspiration from a distance and an unspoken agreement do they have.  Only shall they dance when the first song’s over you see?

The Hawk looks deep and sees a swarm of fireflies lighting the way for him and sees a very small figure awaiting him on a branch.

“Snacks…” the Hawk says as he sees the Hairless Rat and three other rats behind him.  The Hawk swoops in and makes his landing in front of the rats, the Hairless Rat, not budging, the other three making their way back into the shadows.

“Lord Snacks.” the Hawk greets the Rat with a bow of the head.

“Hawk, Master of the Skies.”  Snacks replies as he walks over and fearlessly pats the beak of the Hawk.

“I’ve brought an urgent message for The Poet.”  The Hawk tosses a scroll over to Snacks.

“Poet?  That what he’s known as these days?  Oh he is going to love that they call him that.  He’s much more partial to the writing then the psychic and magic business.”  Snacks jokes as he scoops up the scroll.

“If only the Worlds knew that its Greatest Psychic aspired to be a writer.”  The Hawk said shaking his head.  “Wish a great many his intuitive ability…”

“It is what it is.  We’ve all dreams of some sort or another and a service as well, the service takes precedence, ultimately he believes that… but you know Red.”  Snacks replied.  “Please make yourself at home, my wife and the girls set up a nest for you in the highest branch of the Tree.”

“Much Gratitude my Lord.  Long traveled have I.  The kindness of the line of Snacks is known worlds over.” The Hawk answers.

“Well, you know what they say about rats being loving and all.”  Snacks brushes the compliment off.  “Now off we both go.”  Snacks leaps off the branch and the Hawk flaps his wings and heads up in the vast tree.

Snacks swings through some of the hanging roots of the Banyan, making his way with ease to the base.  He lets go lands against the trunk of the tree to scurry the rest of the way.  A light coming from below lighting the rest of the way to his destination…

The light is coming from a hut, a simple dwelling made of bamboo, only large enough for but an occupancy of one or two, though this hut was quite magical as it was home to a cast of 29 characters.  It is here that Snacks lives with his wife, Naps, a Fancy Rat with a sleek black coat, and their 25 children.  While that accounts for 27 little characters, there remains but two more…

Snacks climbs through a little window and heads towards one more member of the household, a monkey with a mane like that of a lion, small squared glasses, and some of the finest garments the eye ever beheld, a mixture between a suit and something that couldn’t be real, could it?

Snacks scurries up the table leg where the monkey is drifting to sleep, quill in hand, moving somehow.

“Red.”  Snacks calls out nudging the monkey’s arm to no avail but the quill stops, turns to an angle, as if to listen.

“Red!” Snacks yells and monkey does not budge.

“He’s going to hate this…” Snacks says, opening his mouth and taking a bite into Red’s finger.

“AWW! What gives Snacks?”  Red yells shaking his hand as he is stirred awake, his chair flying backwards, catching itself before he sprawls all over.

Snacks tosses the scroll over and it opens up and floats in front of Red’s semi-reclining body.  Red snatches the scroll from the air, adjusts his chair to its proper angle, and opens the scroll, which reads itself aloud.

To:

The Poet,

Also known as Mr. Red E. Now,

Also known as Creation’s Greatest Psychic,

Also known as All the Worlds Greatest Psychic,

Also known by too many names similar to those above,

And whose time it is to become a bit more Mystical:

RE: The Call

You are being called on the Journey, my Dear-uh!

Love you much,

Grandma U.

Red looks over at Snacks, who is eating some cheese and bread, left over from Red’s plate.  Naps hates it when Snacks leaves but Red couldn’t possibly undertake the Journey without Snacks, could he?

Red rolls up the scroll and tucks it in his pocket.  He tries to turn away non-chalantly.  “Think I might take a stroll outside, Snacks.  Get the light will you?”  Red grabs a hooded cloak, a red-feathered ball cap, and a card with an Ace of Diamonds on one side and Ace of Spades on the other side, and walks outside.

“For “Greatest Psychic” being amongst his titles, one would think he would be more subtle in his exits.” Snacks says to the Quill while stuffing another morsel in his mouth.  The Quill seems to nod in agreement.

Snacks closes his eyes and leaps off the table, landing on a nearby bookshelf.  He makes his way down the shelf and around the back.  There at the base lies his Kingdom.

“I have some peas and carrots on the table.” Naps says grooming Spot, a fast growing lad.

“Going to have to pass Mum.”  Snacks says.

“I figured with all the to-do over The Hawk’s arrival.  I packed a few of your favorite things in your pack, it’s by the door.”  Naps replied, putting Spot down and walking over to her husband.  They nuzzle and Snacks gives her a lick.

“You bring him back.”  Naps says.

“Really?  No good luck, be careful, I’ll miss you.  But bring him back.”  Snacks says in shock.

“Oh, Babe!” Naps says.  “I believe in you.  It’s Red that I worry about.  You know how he can get stuck in the crack in his mind sometimes.”

“True.  That mind of his, like a hurricane, tormented albeit brilliant to behold and only at the very center, calm.”  Snacks replies.  They say their last good-byes and Snacks hurries out across the floor of the bamboo home.  He makes it outside and sees Red on one knee looking up at the sky.  Lady Lightning has ceased her painting for the day and it looks as though all the colors of the sky weave into one.  Snacks runs over and climbs up into the hood of Red’s cloak.

“… and thank you for another day.  And may all the hungry Souls of the many planes of each and every of the worlds be nourished.”  Red finishes his ritual.  Red looks over his shoulder at Snacks and says with a bit of relief, “So nice of you to join me.”

“We’re not called The King and Mr. E. for nothing.”  Snacks shoots back.

Red laughs and replies, “No biting on this next part, eh?”

Snacks smiles without an answer of yes or no and laughs.  Red pauses and start to focus.  He closes his eyes briefly and when he opens them they start to glow with a Green Light.  He turns his head, a mischievous look in his eyes and points his staff ahead, the end of it glowing bright green like Red’s eyes and the portal opens right in front of them.

“As many times as we’ve done this Red, it still excites me!” Snacks exclaims.

“As well it should good Friend.” Red says.  “Alright, let’s see where the Invisible Thread takes us this time.  Hold on…”

Reds walks through and the two disappear as the portal closes behind them.