Why am I here?
It’s a question, I’ve asked many times and I know without a shadow of a doubt that many people ask throughout their lives.
The base answer is that Mom and Dad of us All got a little some, some going on, the sperm found the egg and BAM, fertilization.
Someone once told me/added to that equation: God was in that threesome.
Regardless the reason, we may find ourselves asking that question and hitting repeat with it. I tend to find meaning in circumstances and conversations that lead to some form of confirmation as to why I am here, wherever that here and now, is, and that makes me feel like something greater is at play and that means beyond words. But that doesn’t mean the question is answered always and forever. It might be tended to for a moment in time but it evades and escapes me time and time again (perhaps that’s what Jesus meant by saying the Kingdom can be found time and time again). Yet there I am left asking the question another time, at which point, I have to take a breath, and remind myself to enjoy where I am at, wherever that is, however I can.
I used to think the answer is what I was doing here, which may in fact be part of the reasoning as to why I am here. When I realized that I am a writer (on my way to publication and therefore an author), that was cool/it meant alot because it’s something I love.
Then again, ask any writer, writing isn’t always an escape. I enjoy it but it’s almost never good enough. In reality, it’s getting better and better the more that I do it but I have so much to say and there are so many stories I would like to create and areas of interest to explore and write about. So writing isn’t always it.
I enjoy experiencing as much as I can with what life has to offer. Is it not all an experience? But am I only here to experience? Is it really all an experience? For example, when I was younger, I would consume all types of arts and culture. Maybe, like the Inner Child, there’s an Inner Sponge that absorbs and absorbs. But whenever I reached a saturation point or still do, I find myself moving in a different direction and go through a cycle of absorbing all over again. I’ve gone through, music, books, sports, martial arts, museums, beaches, lol, jobs (going on to 30 plus at the age of 31). Wash, rinse, repeat, so on and so forth. So as much as life is an experience, it isn’t always that either because that never ends.
For a long time, I thought it was about sharing my life with someone and having a family. Who doesn’t want love? It was the most commonly asked question I got asked during my year doing the Honolulu Psychic thing. In my own life, I saw the equivalent of a couple of B-level movies with how my love life played out and then had an experience that felt Shakespearean and epic-like. All with an amazing Journey before, during, after spiritually but even then, that wasn’t quite it. Either. Frak… Darnit!
I don’t have any kids so I can’t speak on that. I had pets with exes that I love(d) dearly and so on but that’s different. I experienced a miscarriage with another ex and tat was intense. But still, that wasn’t the answer to that question that keeps coming back.
Death is a big part of it, I accept that but I’m still alive so, um, yeah…
Then what is it? Why I am here? Why are we here?
You know, honestly, as much as we’re here for ourselves, the more I go through life, I feel like I am/we are here to serve. I find myself getting shifted around and from there that leads me into the lives of others and I learn, they learn, I don’t know. I helped a lot of people with my “gift” last year and I am still using, albeit not beneath a tree but wherever I go, there I am, and these spiritual conversations unfold, I get prompted to share info and ay-yah! You know, I cut my hair, get more tattoos to ritualize and put a stamp on it, go back to some form of legitimacy in work and yeah, it is what it is and my “observable Universe” follows me. Frak!
The answer that I keep “hearing” is one that only the words of my Grandmother can soothe. We were talking one day and she was telling me how she didn’t want a service when she passed. My Grandfather had felt the same way, so no service was had. She went on to tell me:
“You know Jason, I don’t want people around saying that Aurora did this or Mrs. Mitchell did that for me. I didn’t do it for them.”
She stopped there leaving me in suspense, so of course I had to ask why she did it.
“I did it all for the greater glory of God.”
So why am I here? Hmm, I suppose I’m here to speak my peace/piece, help as many people as I can because I believe we’re all in this together, all walking the Road of Life, back Home to Aloha ke Akua. You know?
Ah, thank God! I feel melancholy, that means something big is about to happen because when I feel that way, something cool/big usually happens in my life.
Sweet! That’s way better than Frak, but expressing Frak is sweet from time to time too. Just realizing what I am feeling is answer enough to the questions. To feel is the only way I’ve ever known anything to be real anyway. Anything.