The song Mr. Rager by Kid Cudi has been on my repeat and bouncing around for a hot minute like no other in my brain, I feel it, I agree with it, it vibes me, and yeah. When I saw the video, it felt like a dream, a dream I had dreamed before and one that I could not interpret when seeing it in my own life. But in the video it makes the imagery so clear for me. Its entirety coupled with my experiences give me this…
I was attempting to break it down step by step but I think I’ll hold on and make it my Thesis or my Dissertation should I choose to go the academic route. For now, I will share the dream that happened to me this morning.
It began as I exited a dream myself. I awoke from either a really long dream or a double-feature dream, can’t really tell. My day continued and I made my way to the University of Hawaii at Manoa, a place where I spent a few years working and studying (or something like that but I did get a degree out of it) and took part in an experience that was most welcome. I exited and felt good. I don’t know why but I felt good. I felt like I was back on my Path or at least I realized that I was always on it and that life had given me what I sought at the University. Probably a little bit of all of the above.
I was never really off the Pat but when I left UH so many years ago, everything was spinning, and what I was doing there today was the first step to getting back in line with something that meant something because it was something that meant something, plain and simple (repetition by design).
And that’s the thing, repetition is by design, repetition in lessons until we get them, similar themes, people, and so forth, each piece of the puzzle smoothing, sanding us down, refining us so that we figure out what we are seeking, why we are here, or who knows, maybe just accepting the Journey as it is and letting it all unfold and be what it is and could only be.
And that’s not an easy process. I’ve fougt the ride, I have clung, I have run until I reached a point where I knew not what to do but go with it, the beating I was experience through fighting life was too much. Each experience, each breath gives us clues and reflections of our wholeness. The dreams serve to show us the energy and should we ignore them, well, life is just a seemingly endless series of wtfraks.
The breadcrumbs in the writing illustrate my own chaos, my own confusion about life, yearning to truly Know that there was something more but not knowing how exactly to get there. So many highs, so many lows. As I strive towards the summit, to see the Light, it’s not the Dark that must win. It’s misunderstood to be the Dark when really it is the Shadow that must set the other parts of us free, the energy within us that does not wish to acknowledge who we really are…
In the Mr. Rager Video, Kid faces off against his own Inner World and the video ends with him getting stabbed by his identical shadow. It is that shadow in the beginning of the video/dream sequence that bears the light and stands at the highest point. It is that Shadow that meets him as Kid battles his way through other characters from his Inner World, only to finally be blinded by his Anima, his feminine energy, his naturally Intuitive side, which allows him to finally meet the Shadow. In so doing, he is embraced by the Shadow, set free from the suffering it would seem, and finally he awakes.
The more I move through life in blind fashion by allowing my Intuition to be, not fight it but allow it to guide me, the stronger the embrace of the Shadow becomes, and it is in that embrace, that I truly see.
In recent weeks, I have asked for clarity. The other day I asked for freedom. Today as I walked through UH, as I returned to my long-time home for the first time in many years, as I watched a gentlemen juggle as would the fool, as I saw the Tarot Deck and it’s archetypes alive around me, I smiled. I said yes. Because I had learned through life what I thought a Degree would give me. Someone once told me, there are infinite degrees, one degree, two degrees, three, whatever, are merely degrees of knowledge. And college is cool, but that wasn’t what I was seeking.
I thought, hey the Degree would mean happiness. Nope. Then I thought the job was it. Nada. And I always thought the relationship with the One would be it. Not that either.
Eight years ago, I was told by my first mentor, one day, I would only smile. It’s funny because do not know if I will only smile but I’ll tell you what, I smile a darn lot these days and I can accept when I’m not smiling because it teaches me too. I no longer fight it. Because happiness to me being able to walk in the middle, to find the beauty in all thins. Because if you look, really truly take the time to reflect, you will see beauty and love are always there. And that makes me happy…
I appreciate that. I love that. I can get down with that. Because like Kid Cudi said before Mr. Rager:
“I’m on the pursuit of happiness and I know,
Everything that shines ain’t always gonna be gold
I’ll be fine once I get it, I’ll be goooood.”