My very first Mentor was a rather intense person. He had the oddest way of motivating people and though I have borrowed some of his methods, I have not used many of them because they are non-applicable and/or it is not time for me to use such methodology. Though I do recall once how he did say that I suffered from a condition called: Diarrhea of the Mouth.
The chatter that flows out my Mouth is not nearly as bad as the Sh!t swirling around in my brain sometimes…
I would consider myself to be a fairly Aware cat because I truly value conscious living. I strive each day to find the deeper meaning, to grow, to connect further in Spirit, yet the fall from the peaks grows greater the Higher we climb along the Mountain of the Lord. Sometimes there is so much Sh!t in the Mind, it is no wonder things get clogged and I stumble.
I have recently immersed myself in a more consistent prayer routine. I do not know why but all of a sudden in recent months the amount that I pray has gone up greatly, probably because sometimes it is the only thing I can do that makes me feel better, gives me courage and strength to keep going after a brutal fall from a peak (which I am quite good at). What began as a child as once before bed, tapered off as an adult to infrequently, to pretty regular is now like meals for me. And not just the three squares but it?s more like the high metabolism 5-7 times a day.
And the clear epiphany of today was, Damn, I really do ask for alot. As I watched the swirling and am learning to be more focused in prayer, I felt the presence with me. I feel it Always when I meditate and in certain circumstances where I am moved or feel protected, but in prayer, I feel like I am truly held and protected. As I became aware of all the asking, I did not stifle it, rather, I allowed myself to say more than just one thank you as well. One of my most recent teachers would often share how she sometimes would Thank God for everything, whether it be a leaf, a bird, a sunset, whatever, but any and all things.
So I began to thank. I thanked God for still listening to me. I know a ton of people in my Life who have stopped or cut me out when they had too much. Lord knows I have stopped listening to a great many myself along the way. I also thanked for what I have, which might not be considered much by many, but man, two years ago in July, my Life went South and I lost everything. Lost my job, relationship, with that where I lived, sense of identity. I even lost my Grandfather for extra emphasis. It was the worst ever to happen to me and worse yet has happened a few other times since but that first worst, truly rock bottom, man, that showed how much I needed God in my Life.
Here I am two years, two long, too very short years and I now have budding careers in a variety of endeavors that I enjoy, a closer relationship with my family, my own place, good health, great friends, and feel my relationship with Life all around me. That?s the greatest thing that I have these day because I have a sense of well-being and happiness that I attribute totally to my choice to believe.
Alot of people out there don?t like the concept of God or not having control. I can accept that and not say they are wrong. The same as I can accept and allow by choosing to believe in what God has shown me and releasing control because in my Path, in this Life, it?s what I needed most, when I was most lost.
Thank You for finding me adrift and giving me a Light when I needed it Most.