Lyrics from Kanye West, Runaway
And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong
You been puttin’ up wit’ my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
The tapping of the keys pulls me in and I am amidst my melancholy, right as it is sitting there next to my Joy. Then the rest of the instrumental comes along and I am reminded of how critical I can be. How I am in fact, my own worst enemy. Then Kanye comes along and sums it up:
And I always find, yeah, I always find somethin’ wrong…
Nothing, in my entire Life, has ever been good enough. Not by anyone elses standards, but my own. I remember the first time I failed to get an A in grade school, or the first spelling bee that I ever lost at an even younger age, I was rocked, my Inner Perfectionist appalled at the fact that I had, in fact failed. Failed to live up to my own standard coupled with how I failed to find success according to the standards outside of me. I still struggle in both of those areas. I grapple with it every day.
A friend tells me to #Believe. I laugh. My Jaded Spirit sees it, the enthusiasm at such an idea. “I am Hitch.” I reply. Promoting a product that works and so many seek but at times, I do not always really vibe with and that is a hard pill to swallow. As I mentioned in my first exploration into publication, I want to believe that Love is enough, that two people in Love can work and be, but on the real, not in this world, not in the way it is, for I have seen enough of it to know that our Collective Consciousness occupies a vast expanse that covers Light, Dark, and the Grey in-between. I have seen, I have felt, I have known… Love. That has taught me that Love has many colors and there is a reason that Inner Child gets slapped from time to time. The Child does not know the fire is burning or forgets all to quickly how much it burns. Is it that I have lost my ideals?
Am I losing my way?
Nah, it is just not being honest, not looking at the whole picture or acknowledging it has not gotten me very far, has in fact added to the amount that I have fallen down. I see some people talk about how happy they are, just to hear themselves say it because in fact, I hear how the words hide the pain. On the flip side, I see someone so consumed in hurt, does nothing to hide it, I feel as s/he fails to see the beauty, oftentimes right before her/his very eyes. The World needs Love, especially the way it is, and I will never say that it does not nor advocate against it.
(And I want to show you how you all look like beautiful stars tonight)
Yeezy’s voice sings in the backdrop. I laugh, I must have told damn near a thousand people since I first said it in the middle of last year to this time now:
“Do you know why stars sparkle? Because you do, it is your own reflection.”
I do not believe in True Love with someone else as it is often portrayed. I believe in True Love with myself. I found that, I do not always feel it but that is Life, it is not always being in control or on a peak, so I can accept it. What I believe can exist with others is Transcendental Love, based on choice. I believe that all we need is One, everything else is bonus, but that is how I am wired, a wiring that gets more apparent as the days go by and strip away who I thought I was and recognize what it is that I do and do not need.
“People make Love all sorts of emotional, get so caught up in it.” Adya tells me. I agree because I can be the same way. Do I need that? Did not that drive once motivate me? It seems so foreign now, the neediness of that type of chase, it is replace by other drives, so while maybe I addressed that one area, others remain to be taken care of.
I shall not sigh. I have a lot more time, I am only just getting started they say, so…
I shall just Love. Real Love, whatever that means (to me). My Journey is not perfect, but it is mine, so I will own it.