AUM: Release

Frak! Frak! Frak!

Frak a popular term in the epic television show, Battlestar Galactica.  Now that I got the fraks out of my system.  Where to begin?  Ah, perhaps we shall begin where it ends…

I’m not much good at endings or beginnings.  I have begun many endeavors in this Life and not seen them through while also finishing and closing some circles that should never have been opened in the first place.  My Soul is alive, yet I sense my Ego wants to die.  I have often heard recently, that, after all, it is time to kill it, in regard to the Ego.

Now, it may be impossible to release the Ego, as I have not done it myself, but like Frak and sh!t in my generation and the language these days, kill is the word that feels most applicable, because it is time, at the very least, to put it on the bench.  I want to LOL and ask if that is a mercy killing?  The Ego is the only thing in this World and plane of existence that creates suffering and I’m tired of it.  I want to accept, enjoy, and allow my Self to be Free.  There are so many times that I live in Truth and can simultaneously observe my Ego’s fight or flight based response simultaneously.  I can feel the tug at me to engage and feel dismayed.  I cannot do this anymore though…

I want to be Loving because that is my Nature, that is what I believe.  I want to stop throwing the Inner Child under the bus every time that part of me feels compelled to give and Love freely because that is the True Nature of the Inner Child and that is part of what I believe we, as people are here to do.  I work at it constantly, it is my great work in Life, greater than any consults, Readings, manuscripts, anything that I have done, the work of Living and Loving Fully.  The vast emptiness, the pain, the suffering, it dwindles, it ceases but I am an addict, an addict to my own self-created misery.  As I watch my addiction wane, as I realize I no longer wish to take a drag of that spiritual carcinogen, sometimes I laugh.  I really want to shed a tear but my tears are empty.  My eyes have dried. And I don’t know why…

Maybe it’s not time to understand.  Maybe understanding will come later.  The only thing I do know that I keep praying and that investment in Faith helps me more and more each day.  That’s been the difference maker.  That’s helped with acceptance.  Enjoyment is coming from not giving up.  And Freedom, well, I guess that will be as it is, when it is.

 

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