Life is some funny ‘tihs.’ Right when you think you got it figured out, you get hit with a curve ball that you never saw coming and it’s time to put down the bat, stopping swinging, and take a walk.
On many occasions in my Life when it was time to take such a step when hit by a curve, I fought vigorously and resisted, even though to walk, take my base, was quite natural. Life really is a lot like Baseball, something I said age 10 or so to my cousin Keone.
Baseball, something about it. I have had a hit or miss relationship with the game. I never played beyond street pick-up games. As a Youth, I played Basketball and ran track, for fun I played basketball, football, and threw around the ball occasionally. I had an experienced once where my Dad threw the glove at me because I wanted to go inside and didn’t want to through the ball anymore. I do not remember the dynamics that led up to it but he once shared a story about getting so angry with my mom he threw his keys at an old house at the counter.
I feel like the pattern of throwing something to release energy, was the only way he could process his emotions. My Dad, my Brother, are both very beautiful Souls, and their lives have had great tragedy. My Brother once made a comment that I lacked balls because I did not know how to change a belt in my car. He was frustrated because I kept calling him for help. He had offered and I was very lost at the time so I took up every opportunity. The comment was his way of voicing frustration.
To be aware is not the easiest of tasks. When it starts to grow and unfold, it is easier to maintain, but still it takes great work. Every level of consciousness co-exists always. In the past, I have used the analogy that they are all there, gathered around a table, dining together. Another metaphor is that they all ride in the car together, all speaking at once. What do you tune out? What do you listen to?
My Grandmother, Gran, who passed away recently, very often took myself, Keone, and his elder Sister, Cybil, to the University of Hawaii Baseball games during the season. It was one of those things that we did. People had made comments to me that I was Gran’s favorite because I really spent a great deal of time with her as a child, time that was not understood until now, how important, how special, how Loving, it really was. My Grandmother was not perfect. Her children are nursing their own wounds on different levels and in different ways and argue over the experience I imagine. But she did provide in ways that were what was needed.
In my case, I was fortunate to talk with her about her Death and what she meant to me. It’s party of what makes saying Good-bye both easy and hard. It is easy because I was able to tell her all that I wanted. It is hard because I am forever changed and realize how influential this figure was in our entire family.
“You know Jase, I felt bad for you, being the only child.” She said being that I am my Mom’s only and my Dad’s youngest. “I just wanted you to have company.” It was with Gran that I realized the importance of shared experiences and in many ways giving to others. Again, though she was not perfect, she really gave greatly of her Life to her family, her Church and community. She also gave so much in terms of what was needed.
“When we kids, we had the necessities…” My Uncle mentioned after her Death. That generation, the generation of my Grandparents, just like the generation of my parents, my generation, and those to come, I truly believe that all of us, as a collective, do the best that we can do with what we are given.
Our World is in an interesting place. As much as I believe in Love and living from there. Have seen how Love allows me to understand that experiences I had with my Dad, my Brother, were merely the Universe giving me what I needed in experience to grow, frees me to forgive and to allow the Loving part of me, who I shut down, to breathe. I need not perpetuate comments to myself, nor do I have to throw emotions at me. Life has it all set up.
I need only pay attention. That right there is the key to Living, Being, Breathing, Healing, all because of Love.
Words. Words have helped, heal, and at times haunted me throughout my Life. My gave me many words and as I write these words, as I hear the bells ringing to tell me to take my base, class has ended, and that marriage is on the horizon in my Life, I can only look back in honor. Because again, like Life hitting me with its curves, Gran was giving me all that I needed each time.
“Thanks, Honey.” She said the day we had our big talk about going on to whatever is next.. I will never hear that Voice again beyond what I hear in my Heart. I will never see that smile beyond the image of pictures on this plane and burned within but I will always remember.
I will never be able to put in words in a fashion that does justice what I learned from this woman. So I will keep talking Baseball. How it is a slow game, much like Life, how it has two sides to each inning, has its own ebb and flow, the action sometimes rapid, other times dwindling. There are different characters, different approaches, it requires teamwork. Though some roles are in theory more important, in essence, each position plays an integral part of the game, kind of how in Life, if you really watch, you can see that all of it matters.
Though their generational values were different, the generation of my Grandparents, reminded me that Love was both real and could be Lifelong. It all came down to what we choose. When both of my Grandfathers passed, I saw how much the women who stood by them Loved them. I felt it and it confirmed that I myself, despite my trips and falls, always wanted that, to share my Life, not only with myself, but with God through Sacred Love with another Human+Being.
Perhaps that is the greatest lesson I shall carry away for as I recalled earlier, my Grandfather went and took care of all of his business, left my Grandma little notes, because he knew it was his time. These were not perfect people. But they had Great Love. I don’t know why or how but somehow the generation of my parents and my peers, have at times got too caught up in the other things. It is not their faults. They just didn’t know how. Didn’t know a way. Have not yet realized that there is a Path, a Purpose to each of our Lives, we need only have Faith.