These are my Confessions

‘These are my confessions.’ ~ Usher

I opened up an email today and saw the weekly best blogs from Elephant Journal that gets sent to me through some subscription that I signed up for and rarely use but only costs me a few dollars a year.  One of the featured posts was written by a Yogini, who used ‘Confessions’ in the title and it made me laugh.

When I first wrote AUM Vol. 1, I thought it would be funny to add, ‘Confessions of a Mystic / Diary of a Psychic’ to the title.  I settled with Rebirth because I got teased extensively by my former landlady/friend Patrice, who was also a comedienne, and had writings of her own.  But when I think about it, when I remove the labels and judgments, The SImple Voice, AUM, the yet unpublished It’ll Be Okay, all of these really are my confessions, my reflections on what is reflected around me in this Life and how I have processed it.

I am super grateful for my Life.  I don’t always feel like doing cartwheels about that, but I’m cool with that.

“What is Life?  I try to see.  What is Life?  It’s Unity.  What is Life?  I try to feel.  It’s really real… ” the words echo and this hook is an alteration from the first which ends with “It’s looking bleak…”  but it’s Truth, all the variants of the hook of this Black Uhuru song are Truth, explanations and words coming at it from different angles.

I have listened to a great deal of music in my Life, read a large number of books, both from a great many genres and they all paint such powerful pictures of feeling and Being that when viewed like a movie, or as a whole, match and balance and my favorite, have meaning.

But meaning is only there if we choose.  That is what makes our choices so valuable.  One Right is another’s Wrong.  It’s all in how our perspectives understand puzzle and put the pieces together so that at the end of the Ride along Life’s Road, the + Being leaves the Human vessel content.

With that.  I shall stop, for with this expression, confession, of my Life Reflections, as they are Here and Non, for with all of the above, content I am.

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Spiral

Out of my Hands

Out of Control

Further along

As I go

Life is taken

Up, Up, Up

Away!

The only things Left

Are to Learn

Then Express

Release,

So I can Let Go

And then once again

I feel as though

It is taken All away

Left once more

To Process

A Challenge

Why am I so complex?

When does this Learning become enough?

Help me that I may let go.

I can’t do this.

The Ego certainly can’t.

If the Spirit is kicking back

And waiting for me to catch up

Well,  frak.

Frak

Frak

Frak

Beyond me

This Journey is Beyond me

So Far

Beyond me

I will just go for the

Ride

Thx.

Spiritual Growth through Release

As far as I have come, I have a very hard time at letting go and releasing from time to time.  The only difference these days is that I am willing to admit and accept that my healing still has a ways to go.

I can recall a time, clearly remember spaces, where I felt like achieving a certain degree of spiritual growth or to have moments of awakening and transcendence would be the key to be released from the trappings of my humanity.  It/They/From my experience, that is not the case…

Healing appears to be Life-Long because that Dear Friends, Fellow Sojourners on the Life’s Road is a grand part of being on the Spiritual Journey.   While I needed a space to vent recently to my Teacher, she recounted something that she had also learned.  The vent session was needed because she was able to tell me this:

“I just had a realization that I will be 75 years old this year.  I have never been 75 years old!”

I have never lived on February 9, 2013 before today nor have I ever written these words before.  I have had other days like this, there have been other times that I have shared this year of age that my Body is moving through, but with each passing moment and the new Truth that it brings, I am brought more and more into an awareness that is one to observe both Joy and Pain, and in the process of learning to let go and release ‘the stuff,’ as this Teacher labeled it as, I can better accept each moment as it is.

I had my World turned upside a few years ago and a large part of that was due to insecurity, which in turn kept me from being present.  I still have insecurity, the only difference this time is I am able to really look at it and explore it, take the healing to another level of consciousness because 1) I have too in order to be the best that I possible can be as a Human+Being and 2) It is coming back because I didn’t learn from it all the lessons it meant to teach.

As I really step back and look at what makes me most insecure, it is the unknown, it is the uncertainty.  While others play a role in it and I in their own insecurities, it is not about them or me but about the learning.  I don’t believe it is a lack of Faith, rather I feel it is an acceptance and embracing that my Truth and that Truth as it exists for others, as it is unfiltered and tempered by the moment.  This is also impacted by the Driver in each moment, be that the Ego or the Soul.  And whatever comes through, in each moment and time, is in fact right because of the learning it gives all involved.

“You chose this you know?”  I have been told maybe a thousand times by many teachers.  I am starting to believe what one of them said in that the same Voice on both sides of the Spiritual Fence that separates the Light and the Dark, is speaking through all of these different folks to me and I would speculate to others out there as well.  Why else would the same messages be coming through different messengers?

I feel the Truth in that last paragraph, so much so it sends chills, it tingles because as much as I choose to walk with Love and for God, the opposite is right there too, as a neighbor.

Perhaps I dine too much on adversity.  Or maybe the thoughts, the reflections are really worth something.  Sometimes I really feel good about it, other times I don’t.  But what I feel best about is the learning because through it all, I am still learning.

The day I stop will be the beginning of the end I imagine because if I cannot learn anything else, if there are no other things to work on within…

Hold up!  I’m not even talking about outside of me anymore, I am focusing on my Inner Work, on the only healing that will matter because it is the only one I can learn to take ownership of, even if the only remedy is to truly merge it All as the Observer.  If I cannot learn anything else, then what else is there to do in this Life?

Everything that I create and express comes from this Learning, which Truth be told is Inspired by Love.  So if I ever hit a place where there is no need to be Inspired because I am already wholly fulled, that I have to speculate might be it.

Now I am talking in a very macro, “what is the point/purpose, why am I here?” but it can be applied on much smaller levels.  If there are no more lessons to learn in a job, then for me, it’s done.  Maybe someone stuck in a situation at work that they dislike can apply that.  The same thing in relationships, where I live, so on and so forth, because…  I hate to say it but:

Just because.

Here We Let Go : Prayers to Let Go

(Sigh).  Seems appropriate to begin with a sigh.  (Sigh).

Okay, I am ready.  Here we go…

I have been facing a fair amount of adversity recently at work, in relationships, but thankfully my health and bills (the important ones) are paid (Chee huu there).  On the one hand, I am stoked because I feel like I am finally in a place where as I am going through things, I am striving to learn and grow.  On the other, in some cases, it is as though I am being asked not to be Human.  And that?s a hard one for me because I have come to accept and be fond of that aspect to my +Being.

I have loathed being Human in the past.  I have been open about that and should you peruse the annals of The Simple Voice or read AUM Vol. 1, you?d probably find multiple examples of the self-loathing of my humanity.  How’s that for a dose of Truth for ya?  Probably tastes just like Robitussin did as a kid…

Here?s some more Truth: Being alive is not always easy.  It?s not.  Yeah, I?ve read the New Age books, been studying various elements of spiritual -isms and -alities but Truth be told, it?s hard work.  I can help, I can heal, only as much as I have done so in myself.  And I haven?t always liked that nor do I realize, is my healing complete so long as I am alive because…

Because as long as we are alive there is more work to do.

I don?t like this take a grenade mentality or bend over backwards movements that I have but I cannot help it.  It is who I am.  And the hardest part is acceptance of this.

What I find to be even more challenging is that I am super open about all of it.  I am more than willing to look at my Sh!t, explore and examine because I am far from perfect.  I don’t always like it, but just like laundry, it has to be done.  But admittedly, it is challenging when others do not allow me the space to do this.

This is where I am.  This is how I feel.  Yes, I have grown but yes, I have much more work to do.  I am more than willing to learn and understand because I do in fact want to be a better Human + Being.

I haven?t always had help in others.  And that is Life too.  I have at times felt alone. Venting about that, remembering it, as odd as it sounds, helps.  It helps me because…

All of that showed me that I have spiritual help and helped me to seek out and find Love in all aspects of Life, even if it means my back is against the wall and the only thing I know how to do is pray.

So as I let this all Flow and Go, hear me out God, answer my Prayer:

Thank you for seeing me fit for this Journey

Thank you for all of your blessings

I am a bit in a bind at this time

Please help so that these knots are untied

Please assist in making the Road smooth

Please allow a healing to take place

I need a miracle

Please send help now. 

Let Thy Will Be Done. 

Power of Prayer man…  Nothing has changed outside of me but at the very least, I feel better within.  As long as I got that, this connection, I have everything.

Sweet.

Mahalo ke Akua!