I used to get excited when melancholy feelings came around because it meant a creative breakthrough was about to happen and that made me happy. When I wrote Adventures in Urban Mysticism (AUM) Vol. 1 Rebirth, I was going through the healing of a pain that I had not encountered but stemmed back to childhood and as long as some may argue as many lives.
I encounter similar themes in my Life three years after the events that sparked that writing, the end of which I could only say was the greatest gift that I received. It’s funny because what made me feel alive at that time was to go out and do something different, to give my Soul a chance to breathe. I prayed for dreams, followed signs, the etc. yada yada blah that I have written about many times and this time around, as the job near its conclusion, as I walk in shaky relationship territory, feeling more uncertain and vulnerable than ever, the fact that I am undertaking this Journey, fully conscious of alone-ness, is never more apparent.
What do you do when you have found that God is real? How do you keep going once you’ve pierced the veil? When does suffering stop?
I am filled with more questions than answers and the only thing that has any meaning is Love. I feel a great deal of emotions. Where AUM Vol. 1 began with Rage, this TBD begins empty.
I feel empty. I feel as though these words are hollow and lack the passion that the words that have come before have. I feel that I am only a vessel and the words pour through. I feel like I am a pawn in a cruel yet beautiful game of the Universe as it continues its alignment. And really that’s okay. I can accept that my Life is more than mine, even if that’s All it is.
The phrase, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” is used to inspire hope in people who are suffering. The fact that one is strong enough to get kicked repeatedly in the spiritual junk and keep going, and not fall into rage must mean something. But do not confuse my words because I am not here this time to inspire. No this time, I’m going further than hope, I am going for honest. I said it before, the world is ready for authenticity. And honesty is the only thing that’s going to ring the alarm for the collective to wake the f*** up.
I feel lost in a sea of experience. Where the idea of self-mastery in order to give my hypothetical children a better life, that goal is no longer one I wish to experience. What good is that if my healing is going to play out over a lifetime? Even if I tell children the Truth, they shall be scarred by my humanity, which is not bad at all, but can afflict nonetheless.
So what then, is it? What is driving it this time? For that illusion and the chase, the end result of reconnecting with a lost Love and having a child did not happen the way my Ego envisioned. And I am totally cool with that because through my failed world-view, I learned to appreciate the beauty within my decay is the same beauty as that of my growth.
I know I can express. I have done it twice now. I don’t care if it sells as I continued to do it and have done it on here for the last six years. Right when I thought I was stepping away, here, Life hit me, and I know I had to submit, I had to say I’m done, in effect tapping out but I’m still in the ‘fight.’
I do not feel like a victim. I am just being honest. I am using a lot of ‘I’ language and I feel like I don’t want to do that but I cannot help it because in the end, time and time again, I find myself, with people I can call, but no one who can relate to what it is that… I Am. Not who I am, or that I am, but that… I Am.
It’s not bad. It really isn’t, it’s just one of those things that happens. Each one of us is in isolation yet sharing the collective experience through subjective lenses. If I am poetic, it is not be design, though that riddle, the ending of which is found at paragraph’s last, was in fact by design, for merely I carry the message. A message that is not mine, but is using me to express.
Where it was once an effort, because I was in denial, this is just how I write, because I am at last in touch with how I feel. Great, a feeling man, like that doesn’t isolate me further. LOL. Deliberate sarcasm there.
“Look around you, how many Great Spirits do you see?” The Teacher asked and I said them all for I see that spark in all. I have that hope in all, yet, sometimes it feels blaring and obvious that I might be the only one in the room that sees the Truth of our beauty.
I have never felt like this, willingly an instrument. It is new. I have traveled the gamut of feelings, good and not-so. Where I find the feel right now is so empty and void, that I am forcing myself to write in hopes that it does the trick. But it isn’t, it can’t because it’s not meant to. I am just meant to serve and this is my services. That is my purpose. To pout out these words, whether I find joy in it or not.
And that is funny to me because now I feel it, that impossible scratch, the nudge that needs to be explored before a slap occurs. I’ve been brought to my knees before. If that happens again, it shall be because I am bowing to honor by choice and not by necessity. I have to think the fact that these words are being revealed that I am honoring it. No time to be Jonah…
I wanted AUM Vol. 2 to be Redemption. Had a plan for Vol. 3 to be Revelation. I guess like any Journey, it cannot be described until taken. I went away before and that was powerful. But something inside me is saying that’s not it, not this time.
This time it’s different and there the uncertainty enters the stage, ready to give the performance of its, uh, my Life. Life has never been certain, I have never known much about my Life. I did focus my energy and my thoughts to ‘manifest’ but I could not appreciate. I focused and ‘manifested’ and did appreciate. But that wasn’t what I was seeking either.
That epiphany led to healing and I suppose where I am now is open. I feel ripped wide open. Light, Dark, Grey, are interesting ideas but they are swirling around like some congealed something.
Whoever says it’s all bliss, is lying. It is All Love, that is no lie and truly the Truth so bliss is a part of it. But Love is so deep and has so many elements to it, even writing about it lacks the beauty that is found from the sand that irritates and becomes a pearl.
I think I’m exhausted or rather my Ego is. I sense my Ego can’t even fight because at last it ran out of Kool-Aid. It is what it is.
It is what it is.
It is what it is.
Beginning, In the