“I am sinner, who’s probably going to sin again, Lord forgive me, Lord forgive me, these things I don’t understand…” ~ From Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe by Kendrick Lamar
I’ve stared off and on at this blank page for hours. This feeling I feel being rather listless? How does one go from upbeat and striving to uplift to down in one day? Simple.
Ever saw something that was so haunting it through off your whole vibe? I had this series of dreams before waking this morning and while I speculate they were tied together, the final image was a bit disturbing and has kept me from focusing entirely. Let’s just say it ended with me having to urinate really badly, only for fluids, that weren’t bodily fluids, to exit as I watched in pain and horror…
As I spent some time journaling and exploring the thoughts that came in response to this message from my Dream World, I looked at thoughts that float around, unbiased on paper. Once removed from the echoing chamber of my head, the thoughts seem to hold less power when I look at them on paper.
It’s funny in a way because let’s say one is dwelling upon and bashing around a negative thought (‘I suck at Life’), just the simple act of writing it down, can be a form of release. Take it a step further and cross the negative thought out and replace it with something positive (‘I embody Strength’).
In the past, I have taken to the extreme of burning what was no longer needed ranging from thoughts on paper, possessions, whatever it may be in order to assist in the letting go of the toxicity that I have absorbed and carried around in the psychological and emotional form. It’s also a subtle reminder that nothing physical can be taken beyond this Life in the material realm.
A mentor once shared the importance of ritual in inner work. Rituals in the past were symbolic and oft times marked a passing or completion. In our World as it exists today, we fail to stop, we have forgotten rituals that matter, and we rarely slow down. Without rest, the body cannot heal, and though the Soul is a perfect sliver of the Divine, its experience in the Flesh is one that requires rest.
I’ve burned a quick pace through Life and as I wrote thoughts today, I contemplated, if at the age of 34, if I was ready to withdraw from the world. The dream messaging was obvious that I’ve still work on myself to do. And as appealing as the cave dwelling and meditation sounds on one level, a sense within keeps me focused on the Creator, while also recognizing that I’ve responsibility to serve this World.
I struggle with that every day because in years now long past, I lacked Faith, most importantly within (see negative thoughts above). While Faith grows each day, I live undoing the damage I did to myself (see negative thoughts above with a generous helping of the repercussions of poor decisions for good measure) and Lord knows, I am still making mistakes.
“The ‘fun’ is in the Journey. The ‘fun’ is in the Journey. The ‘fun is in the Journey…”
I’ve used many mantras, some that stuck, others that passed but they all have helped, served as wonderful tools to assist while doing the inner work and battling my own restless demons.
My teacher has many times suggested that people eliminate “try” or “trying” from our vocabularly. I am still working at her Yoda-esque point, but that’s beautiful. If I had it all figured out, I’d be done at a really young age, and chances are, have to start all over in the next Life with more challenging circumstances.
So today, I honor the Dream World and its message for showing me that it’s time for me to release whatever residual toxicity I’m holding on to because I certainly am at work in creating an experience that is deserving of abundance in health, wealth, and happiness.
Mahalo ke Akua!