“You’re nobody till somebody kills you.” ~ from Nobody by Rick Ross ft. French Montana
Today I was tasked with sharing online how I feel, not just the positive, silver lining bits, but how I feel in the scope of this experience as a Human+Being at this point & time… LOL. Here goes.
Disclaimer: I’m a Writer, you’ve been forewarned.
Lately has been pretty tough.
A few things have happened that are beyond my control personally, which I’ll share second, and professionally, which I’ll discuss first.
At times I’ve felt helpless.
I’m in the middle of the most stressful period of time leading up to an opera for the Marketing Department of our Company, of which I am the Director. I’d have meetings each day with the Marketing Team to see how my people are doing except our crew is one-person deep (yours truly) so Life goes on because the work must be done.
As part of my responsibilities, I have the ‘glorious’ task of overseeing the program project, which at times feels like the collective toilet that people release their own shit and frustrations into.
I get it, it makes sense, everyone needs to blow off steam. This is just my opinion, others may see it differently. I’m just one who hears every complaint about it, sly remark, reads the ‘wonderful’ aka pretentious emails, etc.
I’m not a Designer, things get lost in translation. It’s a 36 page project with multiple components received from many departments. It’s not like editing a paper. Not to make light of copy editing. That shit is its own type of complex.
We have identified something to alleviate challenges each time (and it really gets smoother) but some things could be done by others before it reaches this stage. Accountability is on all of us.
Coupled with my daily duties and the main task, cracking the Da Vinci Code of selling more tickets while spending less as a Department on more productions, and well, you might say there’s a little pressure.
It’s funny because while a critic might not like something in a production, you always hear how amazing it was. Yet, despite the work I’ve done (with the guidance and support truly of my great boss), Marketing work is seemingly never quite making colleagues or Board Members happy. It’s really a mirror of Life, as more can always be done, but you can only get through so much with the time you have.
But eh, bring it, I’m game for the task. Or at least Life continues to Flow me through such situations.
I grew up in Hawaii as a hapa-haole kid who looks more caucasian and I’m used to experiencing adversity and people not being pleased about something, whether in passing (stink eye) or direct (Eff you haole!) coming my way from small kid time.
It’s okay. It’s Life. I’ve lived through that. I’ll live through this and in about 3.5 weeks, everyone will be back to the all smiles, rah rah rah, whatever. I have half a mind to say ‘Fuck You’ the next time it goes down but I’ll get down to why I can’t totally always be me in that brutal honest fashion a bit further in the read.
As I go through this, I often think of the great words of my friends here at work:
“The Elephant is eaten one bite at a time… and it’s getting smaller.”
“Everyone thinks they can do Marketing.”
“Everyone gets crazy during the Season.”
Last year was different. It was all new, so there was more excitement. Every day is new, but it’s funny how Life can make us jaded. I was told yesterday after sharing I try to make the best of each day, that I “sounded like an old man and in youth, we really do squander time. ”
It was a cold dose of Truth that I couldn’t help but agree with.
Get right back up, let it go, move on, move forth.
Last week I accidentally broke a phone. This week I’m told I made someone cry (and later told that person in the emotional state said they wouldn’t talk to me again). It hasn’t been my most graceful couple of weeks professionally.
I can potentially beat myself as much as anyone else. Today I shared, “you ever think I share positive things because I have to?”
While someone might see me frustrated and at the same time I’m pouring out positive, I see how that can be a contradiction, but maybe, just maybe it helps just a little.
I believe it’s the little steps that lead us the furthest in the Journey.
I am very familiar with my Darkness, with how barren humanity can be. I am also quite fond of the opposite. I am so far from perfect and I am continually humbled by how perfect Nature and God work in harmony as we go through this experience.
I feel challenged at work right now, it’s rougher than before, and I can’t really say why exactly. But I have felt that before. My last work situation sucked. I have worked in some pretty harsh situations in general with shitty people who cared more about (insert vice here) than they did about people.
But you know what, the assholes I’ve met along the way aren’t terrorists, they aren’t dictators, they are just people with their own issues and I know that conditions can be far worse. I pray for myself, I pray for them because I always remind myself, we each have good Hearts. Some of us may be far disconnected from it than others, but the Paths are each different.
I am very grateful for where I am. For what I have been. It’s cool. It’s okay.
I feel overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed probably because of a great unknown that is going on in the personal arena of my Life.
A few months ago, I noticed a swelling under my jaw that didn’t go away. I thought it was nothing because I went to the dentist to fix a chipped tooth, or maybe because at the same time, I had the flu, so you get swelling and weirdness when those things happen. Thing is, it never went away.
My Doctor wanted me to get a CT and one night later I woke up in the middle of the night with my heart racing for the first time ever. Panic attack, anxiety, too much caffeine, stress, all of the above probably.
I went back to the dentist, since I noticed it after that, and he found something in my jaw x-ray, and then referred me to an oral surgeon, who didn’t see anything but wanted to see the original film.
Guess, what? That is unresolved a month later, four months in total, after this all began.
Oh, well. Such is Life… You don’t always get the answers when you want them.
An interesting post oral surgeon story gave me Faith everything happens for a reason as someone in that office shared that as a child, she broke her nose and noticed something as an adult in the same area of my own swelling. This woman learned that because of the break, when sick, or dealing with sinus issues, mucus collected there.
I laughed because this thing has gotten way smaller since I had the flu those months back. AND, in my youth, I bashed my nose on the bottom of a pool while doing my best Professional Mexican Wrestler flying off the top roles impersonation…
I might still get the CT. I might not because when asking my Chiro about it, he said just keep an eye, especially if it’s not bothering me. It’s not and I take a lot on Faith, so yeah, for now, I’ll keep an eye on it. I also believe we go through what we do to prepare us for what’s next.
Which segues nicely too…
My girlfriend has an unknown health issue that we’re awaiting to find out what is going on. In an age of billions being made in the medicine, it’s amazing how long it takes to get an appointment or go through the referrals.
Out of respect for her privacy, I won’t go into detail, but it concerns me because of what I’ve observed since we’ve noticed it and past observations of the similarities there.
It makes me wonder and reminds me of how much time we really have. I feel healthy. So does she. We both externally look healthy, yet there are things going on inside that we can’t see, that’s beyond our control, and well, that’s pretty crazy to fathom. It’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes.
I realize we have these things happen in our lives. We also lose Loved Ones daily. Wars and way more crazy shit goes on every day around the world.
I factor those thoughts in and while I might be pretty serious, I strive to be mindful with and of others.
I’m not always the best and cheeriest at home but in some ways, it’s the only place safe enough for me to be me, to share these feelings as they are, to be really, brutally honest, because that’s important, whether it’s a smile or a frown or something else.
I can’t be like that at work because I get too in the moment and miss a step because I see the perfect picture and fall in the water. I can’t be like that because I make a joke in the same fashion as the person who ends up crying does with me, and well, cry on.
It’s fucking hilarious. I walk through Life seeing the value of mindfulness, working on it every day, of who I am, how I am, and the only place I can actually allow that is at home. Though beautiful, I can see how that’d be frightening.
I’m super grateful for it, this person, the relationship, the hard times, the trials, because each mountain of adversity we climb together, the view taken away from that peak is so absolutely amazing and means so much, the harder it is for me to fathom taking a step without her and that scares the shit out of me.
I’ve been in love before, and when that ended, it changed my entire Life. I was fortunate to have been laid off at the time and be able to rebuild with and through God as the foundation.
I haven’t been in love like this before, with this much else going on. If the unknown is health related, that is what it is. If it’s incompatibility, that is what it is too. I don’t know that’s it’s going to be either or something else. Doesn’t mean I won’t struggle with it.
I’ve never been here before. In this moment. At this point in time. Neither have any of the rest of us. It’s important to be there and love people at their worst times. It’s also really fucking hard.
They tell you that if it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger. Well…
I get that. It’s okay. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I’m okay with the fact that it’s hard. I know so long as I draw breath, I’ll find a way to see the meaning, to smile, however briefly, and be at peace. But I’m as Human as the rest. I’m as challenged as the rest.
I’m the kind of person who tries to find a way. I don’t believe in giving up at things. But that doesn’t mean I won’t stumble or fall. I have many times and I get back up. This has just been particularly challenging because of all that it’s pulling in different areas.
But that’s okay. It’s all okay. I’ve learned this long ago. I believe it to this day. But whether something is okay, it doesn’t mean what comes with it won’t be experienced by those we share a space with as we wander this Earth, see it exactly the same.
I find peace. I can be myself, in doses outside of home. I haven’t learned to gracefully allow that in all areas. I believe that if you really get to know anyone, we can be both God and the Devil in Life because I am very much in touch and have experienced those depths of which we are all capable.
I don’t set out to be ‘Good’ or ‘Evil.’
I am merely seeking to be, as I am. And that’s fucking hard to do. I realize it’s even harder for another to allow. Particularly if the ones we love are in pain, but as that wise saying goes: Iron sharpens iron…
It is said the Buddha will manifest as both a healer and dictator during times of war. If that Greater Power sense is all things, so are we all expressions of Life.
I see that. That’s why as crazy as people can be, I know I am equally crazy. That’s why as challenging and overwhelming things feel, I know it’s just the tide.
Life is all things. I get that and I think most people do but it’s a scary idea to admit. We have a collective media sharing the Fear and I committed years back to live from and for Love.
Love can be tough as well as gentle.
I share positive messages, silver linings, maybe in excess because if I feel like I need it, and I’m a microcosm of the macrocosm of the world, the world needs it just as much, perhaps more because a great number of us have lost hope.
I know I can be super intense and honest. For a time, I got paid to be like that with people and speak Truth and in return saw people cry both in peace and/or storm off because interpretation of what the Universe gives us is always different.
It’s cool. It’s okay. Life goes on. It will go on long after we are each gone, for we physically occupy but a small piece of this vastness that is creation.
I get it. It’s okay to die. It’s okay for the Ego to sit back.
Doesn’t mean the rebirthing process is easy. LOL, practice what I preach? A principle can be understood far before it is mastered. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t share it for what we share, we need just as much as the rest.
Maybe I’m “wrong” in my view. Maybe I’m not. Maybe someone else will kill me for my views as I’ve been told a few times. Whatever. That’s Life.
One day, I’ll write a book: It’s Okay. Whatever. That’s Life.
And that will be the whole text. Ha.
We must keep our heads up. No matter how beaten I get, I keep coming back and I will continue to do so for I know I’m just going with the tides of this Life.