At times my life has felt like a series of errors and mistakes, all happening one after the next.
As a small child, I’m told that I somehow fell backwards all of a sudden out of my chair while at the Burger King in Kaneohe with my Dad. Not once, but twice.
During my teen years, I once jumped a fence to get to the basketball courts quicker and sliced open my finger. In college, I tried to help out a friend who was pulling a handtruck that got stuck in a dip. Unbeknownst to me, she hadn’t put the locking pin in so when I pulled it up, the handle crashed into my lower lip, creating cuts both inside & outside of my mouth, leaving a fun little scar that for years I grew facial hair over to cover.
Most recently, I coughed while brushing my teeth and my back went out. Now there’s all sorts of other details went go into all of these save for the bit as a kid because I don’t remember and for all I know, it was a random spirit having a good time at my expense (yeah, I’m looking at you imaginary or are you creature in the ether).
But why should life ever be a series of errors? Yet there all those gems are strewn throughout my life history. There are also a bunch of lumps of cool littered along the Journey as well but rather than dwell, let’s recall some other accidental happenstances:
~ The time my teammate in basketball and I both went up for a rebound and his elbow crashed into my forehead, leaving a golf-ball sized welt.
~ When I chipped my front tooth on an open locker while talking to a friend (I later had a tooth chip while eating a french fry, albeit a rock hard french fry but still)…
~ Walking into a pole outside of school… twice.
While we are all subject of making mistakes, are we really accident prone, or is it perhaps something else? In my case, I don’t think I was always present. With that last example, I was looking down and that’s probably the biggest reason why my life has at times felt like a series of errors.
During a conversation about the emotion of anger and how it’s processed, I recently shared “I still hate myself. I just also have learned to really enjoy myself. I also allow myself to tune into that vibe more.”
I don’t want to hate anyone or anything. I can recall at times sharing an extreme dislike because I felt so bad to just say the word hate. Somewhere along the lines between living life with valid experiences mixed with the reality that there are some challenging people out there, I culled what I viewed as weakness (confidence, feeling good) and cultivated its opposite (low self-worth, feeling bad).
Life’s obviously not simple. And that’s all good & well. It really is. We are all subject to different feelings, the key is not getting stuck in any one feeling. I’m not always present and I may never be until I leave this vessel. But so long as the breath keeps rising and falling, I realize I’ve a choice to make, to let my life be this tragedy of misfortune or a comedy of fullness and laugh, live, love the process because I’m learning so damn much every single day.