“Then there is the question of dying, which we have carefully put far away from us, as something that is going to happen in the future – the future may be fifty years off or tomorrow. We are afraid of coming to an end, coming physically to an end and being separated from the things we have possessed, worked for, experienced – wife, husband, the house, the furniture, the little garden, the books and the poems we have written or hoped to write. And we are afraid to let all that go because we are the furniture, we are the picture that we possess; when we have the capacity to play the violin, we are that violin. Because we have identified ourselves with those things – we are all that and nothing else. Have you ever looked at it that way? You are the house – with the shutters, the bedroom, the furniture which you have very carefully polished for years, which you own – that is what you are. If you remove all that you are nothing.
And that is what you are afraid of – of being nothing. Isn’t it very strange how you spend forty years going to the office and when you stop doing these things you have heart trouble and die? You are the office, the files, the manager or the clerk or whatever your position is; you are that and nothing else. And you have a lot of ideas about God, goodness, truth, what society should be – that is all. Therein lies sorrow. To realize for yourself that you are that is great sorrow, but the greatest sorrow is that you do not realize it. To see that and find out what it means is to die.”
~ Jiddu Krishnamurti
I found this quote on MindUnleashed.org, in a post highlighting some of the teachings of Krishnamurti, today. I found the post some time ago and have not closed the window on my screen since, going back to it periodically, perusing its depths for insight.
Reading this today really struck a chord because of all the things going on right now in my life.
It’s good at home. We (myself, girlfriend, and 2 cats) like our home, we love each other. Yet, like the one cat who meows when she wants something, we want something, something more, we just aren’t sure what.
Beneath, there is this sense that there is more to discover, there are new ways to grow. We just haven’t quite gotten there. And that’s okay. It seems to me that the time between making a decision and the action that follows, can be like crossing an ocean. Time is relative and I suppose it all comes down to how we travel along the journey.
I’m getting older. I feel it in my bones and ligaments. I sense it in how I look back at what events and how my responses feel different than in the past.
I’m about 9.5 years older than my girlfriend. I think she feels the older part too because she has shared sensing the changes within herself also.
I’ve crossed the threshold from 30 to mid-thirties in the blink of an eye, with a large volume of change coming with it. Sometimes, I’ll talk with people and they tell me that I’ve done alot and yet, there is this sense within me that I can do more.
Is it my Ego?
Is it my Spirit?
What is my Truth?
As I go back to Krishnamurti’s words, each time I enter into something new, I die, I change, I transform. And there is great sorrow in the transition. There are goodbyes, some long, some short, some sweet, some bitter. It’s all of that and then some.
As we determine where we head next,let us honor the deaths as they come. Let us reflect on saying the longest goodbye to who we were when we walked through the door in the first place.
In many ways, I think that’s what holds us back.