Spoken & Shared

The ache in my bones is but a splinter compared to the stake in my mind. The throbbing hum of pain reflects from one shimmer of light to the darkest recesses… The sorrowful song of days long gone & squandered linger as I gaze back at a life lived in full.

Words spoken, words shared, words remembered, words forgotten.

Full days, full nights, full cups. Cups of beer, of wine, of spirit. Spirit of love, of loss, of triumph, of defeat. Why is it the triumphs were short-lived? Why is it the defeats gave us so much more?

Words spoken, words shared, words remembered, words forgotten.

Long has this life been. Long smiles, long frowns, long, bellowing laughter, long, so long streams of tears.

Words spoken, words shared, words remembered, words forgotten.

This, all this for “A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime.” It is up to each to figure out the meaning of that line. But I’ll tell you my Truth, if your Heart’s ear one day I may find.

Words spoken, words shared, words remembered, words forgotten.

The reason of our lives can only be found in Death.  For Death is the guiding light, the solemn, beautiful reminder of how precious this profoundly, perfect imperfection, is.

Words spoken, words shared, words remembered, words forgotten.

A season in our lives lasts not as long as the seasons around us.  They can be as but the blink of an eye while the waves from them last for all eternity.  A season comes when it does, and leaves as it does, much like we do in our sacred Death.

Words spoken, words shared, words remembered, words forgotten.

A lifetime is time enough for the Soul that inhabits it, and all it needs.  A lifetime, like the season and the reason, is marked with Sweet Death, for only through Death will we have truly lived.

Words spoken, words shared, words remembered, words forgotten.

Fear not Death.  Fear nothing but God, for God is Love, and Love is the great champion and conquerer of all.  Through Love, we can overcome and be great, through Love, we shall live on, though we each shall fall.

Words spoken, words shared, words remembered, words forgotten.

Fear not Death, nor harbor it any anger.  Fear nothing but God, for God is Love, and that feeling beneath the anger, the frustration, the sorrow, the feeling cradling it all, is but Love.  And Love costs only the silencing of our Ego, which only fears, that it is in fact, nothing, nothing at all.

 

Meow Went My Gurus

The cat meows whilst staring at me

Which cat? This cat. That one here. Her. See?

The cat looks up and smiles at me

Which cat? That cat. That one there. Him. See?

Now watch the cats do their dance

each day full of playful, cat activity

While they might yet fight, it’s their Truth

To be

So natural, so free.

So natural

So free

Now please tell me,

What else have you

To teach me

Meeee-ow

Meow

Me…

Running

I ran track my Senior Year of High School.

Loved it.

My Coach told me that over the course of the season, I improved my stride by 300% and though there were a gang of fools who were way faster than me, the fact that I did what I did in just one season of participating in track, made him proud.

Did I mentioned I was the slowest Sprinter on the Big Island?  Can you imagine that despite being the slowest, I improved as much as I did?  I also jumped too but I wasn’t very good at that either.  I can only laugh at myself recalling it all.

Despite the mad love I had for Sprint & Jumping events, Distance Running should have been my thing. It might just be that I am not built for the sprint, but that I am built to survive the grind and the duration. While growing up, I loved to play defense in basketball, if I’d had played soccer, I probably would have been better off because soccer is very much a marathon.

But I didn’t. And, LMAO, now I can’t really play defense, the one strong component of my game in hoops, anymore either.  But my jump shot has been pretty sweet.  And my reverse with these limited hops.  Watch out!

Point is, here I am, in conflict for decades, trying to sprint through life, when I’m probably better equipped to take the marathon at my own pace, and not the timings of others. But the funny thing about timing, it means everything, and nothing.

Guess I’ll keep running with the goal of listening to what’s going on within and with all that’s out(side) of me.  Then pace it from there.

In the end, only God knows the Universe’s plan.  I’m just traveling the course to that inevitable finish line or final buzzer.

 

Extended Stay at The Essay

The most recent stroll through my thoughts in the form of a loose essay on the state of my life was enjoyable so here I am, alone again.

I awoke feeling drained and tired.  My stomach turned.  I wasn’t looking forward to the big task at hand today at work and a number of small things came up that added to the discontent I felt.  While my overall contentment quotient has been filled for the macro experience of days & nights, stress has been a bit higher than the norm, or perhaps has been lasting a bit longer.

What can I say, though?  Shit happens and Life’s going to be what it is.

At home, we’re grappling with where we are at as individuals, a couple, and figuring out what’s going on within our families as a number of health related issues have been cropping up. In my case, I’m caught between being here as one-half of the couple and being in two other physical places for my family and unsure what to choose.  It’s a hard balance and maybe that’s why it’s come.

That or LOL, because I had to go on & on in an post about how I felt balance in my life these days…

As an individual, I do.  I feel like I have a great array of tools at my disposal and my overall contentment with life is growing each year.  Then I am forced to look at my interactions with those closest, and I’m reminded that it, whatever it is, is tough.

Very, very tough.

Periodically, I miss the freedom of wandering in search, in search of meaning, and in God, alone.  Why that experience had all sorts of fulfillment, I worked through pain and great deal of loss, alone.  What I find in the shared journey with others, is that they teach me more about my ability to love, to let go, and to be compassionate, and let’s be reall, that’s not always fun.  People are rude, say mean things, and will lash out against those who care most when they aren’t feeling stoked about existence.

So it’s natural to have other thoughts…

What about me? is a tune that is very valid but really to answer that question, with another: What does dwelling on that accomplish?

I am where I am because it’s where I am.  Yes, different choices could have been made in the past but they weren’t so therefore it matters not much at all.  Does it?

So here I am, alone again in a commentary, talking with the ether, trying to figure out another piece of my existence:

What am I supposed to do with my Life? is song I am also intimately acquainted with.

On the one hand, I’m super grateful for having so much opportunity around me.  Yet, probably because I feel tired and drained, in this day’s blink in my life, I feel stuck between leaping just to leap and worrying I’m growing complacent.

With the latter, I am arguably in the best professional place I have ever been and I probably could create some additional opportunities in this arena if I asked.  But it’s a big vast world and I grow tired of smiling amidst eccentric personalities just because of what it provides and the things about it that I do like.  I hate going in circles, maybe because I did enough of that earlier in life.

In assessing the former, am I at this point & feeling because I feel a bit of cabin fever?  Do I just need some me time?  Or do I really feel like it’s time to explore a new market?

In the end, I will ride through this sense of not knowing, make a choice and be all the better for it.  But I won’t know what that will be until it is.

Hmmm… extended stay with increased amounts of stress and not knowing what to focus on heightened by feeling tired today. Oh well, at least I have the essay, blog, commentary, or whatever the fuck you call this, is, to help me along the way…

A Trip to the Essay

It’s been a minute since I sat down seeking to write an essay, a blog, a commentary as I was once so fond of calling it.  But alas, perhaps, by chance it’s time to wax a bit, a time to let the thoughts just…

Flow.

Or maybe I’ve been inspired by the younger lions out there who share their journey aggressively as I once sought to do.  Whatever the case, it’s been a rough 2016 thus far, maybe because it’s a longer year than usual (see: Leap Year).

Work has had its bumpy moments and the happenings in the personal arena have been a bit like the Seahawks this past season.  Well, at least the way they walked away without folding against Carolina was valiant and the postgame sentiments was filled with positive. In some ways, it left great hope for what is to come for that still relatively young, extremely talented core and in light of the fact that the championship was not hoisted up high, the moral victories had more depth.

But what do you do when the moral victories aren’t enough to keep wanting to fight the proverbial good fight?  I certainly remember those days and I won’t paint a picture that I don’t ever feel like giving it up from time to time.

I won’t profess to know what will work precisely for you Dear Reader.  I could probably advise if we talked a bit but realistically, a writer doesn’t always get the chance to rap out with readers and this blog is traveled infrequently, but as I’ve found over the years, it’s a garden I tend for I am the sojourner who enjoys wandering through it and seeing what’s grown, even if only for myself.

So Dear Reader, I’ll share with you what I’ve been doing as I traverse the so far rough patches of 2016 that has helped me to get through the rough patches.

I pray for what I’m happy about in addition to what challenges me because it’s really a necessary investment IMO.  In gratitude, I’ve shared a lot of fun moments with my Loved One.  I find myself looking at pictures of the cats when I’m ready to go negasonic teenage warhead (see: Deadpool).  I have listened to digital and analog music, written poetry, submitted poetry, taken pictures, and immersed myself in my work, watched some cool cartoons, and played video games.

Oh and I exercise, often.  In part because I enjoy, in part because I have to.  I’m technically amidst my physical prime as a male, but my youthful years are more rear-view than on the road ahead, so cast aside the illusions have I.  I’m okay with that because I wouldn’t be where I am today had I not sought more balance earlier in my life amidst the pain of Loss and the challenges I was given.

Don’t believe me?  Pulling for me to be like the Scott Bakula near 40 year old Freshman QB to make and lead the team a la Necessary Roughness (see: Necessary Roughness, in fact, stop reading and go Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, or Apple download that shit!!!) that our movies like to show us?

Well a calf-tear on one side in 2011, a calf-strain, mcl strain on the other side, not to mention the concussion (see: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu) and countless ankle sprains (see: basketball) have added up.  The sum of the damagae definitely helps to eliminate the aspiration to win medals and hoist championships myself.

Unless someday I take up Pro Wrestling and get a run for the belt, but that’s a vastly different essay…

For the first time in my life, I feel pretty okay about the balance of things.  In the past, when I found something that works, I rode the fuck out of it until it was either past it’s expiration date or I got burned out in every which way (see: calf-tear and calf-strain above).

The past few years, well ever since the calf-tear, have taught me to keep walking, gingerly when needed, and to keep moving forward so long as I’m alive.  It has emphasized the importance of breathing, letting the heart beat-beat, and to keep faith because the moral victories are just as great as the championships.

#AlohaHarder

 

Mirra, Mirra

It was reported on Feb. 04, 2017, that legendary BMX rider, champion, & pioneer, Dave Mirra, was found dead by apparent suicide.  He is survived by a wife and two children.  Let his memory live on for he inspired many. Rest in peace. Rest in love.

dave_mirra_2
(Photo – http://thecomeup.com/tag/dave-mirra/)

Mirra, Mirra!

Another life just blinked out too quick, Le-

ander, time to meander on

Now but hearing about Dave dying, that makes me sick…

A young legend, who inspired a whole new pride of lions, teaching us falling doesn’t matter, so long as we rode hard, for always, & no matter what, to keep fighting.

But something happened to this old soul.  Though his body wasn’t that old, life done took its toll.  And now here we are, wondering why.

Asking both he & God:

Hey Mirra, Mirra, why’d you have to die?

Why’d you die that way when you lived so true. Conquering one fear after another, time after time, overcoming all the odds, stacked against you each & every time.

Hey Mirra, Mirra, why’d you have to go?

I guess like every other tragedy, we’ll never know…

And in the end, here I am writing in homage to you.  Mirra, Mirra, you touched lives more than you ever knew.  And though it’s sad, it was your time to go. So with that, Champ, I hope you know: The world just ain’t the same without you,

you were the show!