The most recent stroll through my thoughts in the form of a loose essay on the state of my life was enjoyable so here I am, alone again.
I awoke feeling drained and tired. My stomach turned. I wasn’t looking forward to the big task at hand today at work and a number of small things came up that added to the discontent I felt. While my overall contentment quotient has been filled for the macro experience of days & nights, stress has been a bit higher than the norm, or perhaps has been lasting a bit longer.
What can I say, though? Shit happens and Life’s going to be what it is.
At home, we’re grappling with where we are at as individuals, a couple, and figuring out what’s going on within our families as a number of health related issues have been cropping up. In my case, I’m caught between being here as one-half of the couple and being in two other physical places for my family and unsure what to choose. It’s a hard balance and maybe that’s why it’s come.
That or LOL, because I had to go on & on in an post about how I felt balance in my life these days…
As an individual, I do. I feel like I have a great array of tools at my disposal and my overall contentment with life is growing each year. Then I am forced to look at my interactions with those closest, and I’m reminded that it, whatever it is, is tough.
Very, very tough.
Periodically, I miss the freedom of wandering in search, in search of meaning, and in God, alone. Why that experience had all sorts of fulfillment, I worked through pain and great deal of loss, alone. What I find in the shared journey with others, is that they teach me more about my ability to love, to let go, and to be compassionate, and let’s be reall, that’s not always fun. People are rude, say mean things, and will lash out against those who care most when they aren’t feeling stoked about existence.
So it’s natural to have other thoughts…
What about me? is a tune that is very valid but really to answer that question, with another: What does dwelling on that accomplish?
I am where I am because it’s where I am. Yes, different choices could have been made in the past but they weren’t so therefore it matters not much at all. Does it?
So here I am, alone again in a commentary, talking with the ether, trying to figure out another piece of my existence:
What am I supposed to do with my Life? is song I am also intimately acquainted with.
On the one hand, I’m super grateful for having so much opportunity around me. Yet, probably because I feel tired and drained, in this day’s blink in my life, I feel stuck between leaping just to leap and worrying I’m growing complacent.
With the latter, I am arguably in the best professional place I have ever been and I probably could create some additional opportunities in this arena if I asked. But it’s a big vast world and I grow tired of smiling amidst eccentric personalities just because of what it provides and the things about it that I do like. I hate going in circles, maybe because I did enough of that earlier in life.
In assessing the former, am I at this point & feeling because I feel a bit of cabin fever? Do I just need some me time? Or do I really feel like it’s time to explore a new market?
In the end, I will ride through this sense of not knowing, make a choice and be all the better for it. But I won’t know what that will be until it is.
Hmmm… extended stay with increased amounts of stress and not knowing what to focus on heightened by feeling tired today. Oh well, at least I have the essay, blog, commentary, or whatever the fuck you call this, is, to help me along the way…