I remember the first time it occurred to me that my hurt, my pain, though real for me, with the challenges that came with it, didn’t mean others were hurting, possibly far worse.
I see that moment in blurs, though I can still feel the room, cast in the shade of an Autumn day. On my knees.
I was in a condo that I was subletting, which overlooked the beautiful Diamond Head and Kahala area of the island, mired in my pain. The phone call had just ended. I had walked and she had put me down gently in the weeks before, but that last conversation, it was filled with fire. She clearly stated the resentment she felt towards me.
I don’t what it was, why it was, but I at last understood and the veil fell. This person, who at the time I had expressed wanting to share my life with, she was angry, she was pissed, and she had good reason. I remember writing later, trying to keep the lines of communication open because I had finally stopped to look at my role. I recall the realization as it set. While she had her own contributions (as do all) to the relationship, it was the withdrawal that spoke the loudest.
It makes sense. After all, it wasn’t her.
It was me.
She was confident in who she was.
She embraced the fact that she was an imperfect being and working on things.
I couldn’t do that.
Her view was different because she had been brought down to Earth through the pain that had unfolded in her life. In rewinding the tape, I saw that. It was my judgments, as I sat on my high horse, so blind to the fact that my fear, my insecurities, my pain, the things I said and the way I acted when I lashed out because I didn’t love myself nor could feel love, all of the above, that is what kept that from growing.
So as it was, I had killed the tree.
I smothered the fire.
I couldn’t adapt.
I knelt there, the pain finally hit. It really was me, all along.
I projected all my own bullshit on another person, a person, I said I love.
And that’s when I finally stood up and started to move forward in forgiving myself and quieting the Rage. I stopped my hiding behind falsehoods and fantasy love.
I strived to live from a real, honest Love.
I finally realized that right & wrong are two sides of the same coin and what mattered most was healthy. You can argue right & wrong but you can’t argue whether or not something is healthy.
And if you do, well, it is what is it.