I knew as soon as I saw the look on her face that what I had said was hurtful. Yet again, I got caught up in the back & forth, and let’s remove what I can’t control, anything outside of me, and I have only myself to blame.
“It was how you felt when you said it.”
It was and this is how I feel now, in this fresher moment.
If I rewind the taste, yes, in the moment, as the venom and anger was rising I said something I regret. That’s human. That means we can be hurtful. I was hurtful. It’s unfortunately not the first time…
I’ve often grappled with how and why we hurt those we love. As I’ve looked at my own acute hurt, as I’ve cried and released, somewhere I’ve found that though that type of behavior is a part of me, as it can be anyone, it isn’t my sole Truth. I refuse to believe it is the Truth of any of us. We are better than that and we can rise above, but it takes work. Fear & rage are but a single piece that makes up a part of the whole puzzle.
I have often been stuck on certain pieces, even sections of the puzzle, rather than see the bigger picture for itself.
We can never take back what we say. That’s why I have often writhed when malice infused words have found me. But it’s never clearer until you see your own words cut. And once more, I find my own reflection, glaring back at me from a dark corner.
Anger is a funny beast. I’ve long believed it masks hurt and as I’ve traversed Life’s Road over the past few years, I’ve not wanted to give it voice. I should have known better that when we temper any emotion, its manifestation will be extreme. But I’m still working on it and sadly it took the back & forth with someone I love to show me this.
Though I didn’t catch it earlier, I can only hope to send love, pray, and move forward.
Learn one for a new day.
Recognize that it is okay that I do not wish to be a part of such a cycle. It is okay for me to want to be better a person rather than settling for a ragged version of myself, one that can’t put its best foot forward at all times.
As I have gone through this past month in particular, a heightened storm of arguments occurring, I am reminded of so many others I had seen who had been a part of painful experiences. It’s never a one way road and both parties contribute. But that doesn’t mean time & space can’t pave the way for greater dividends in life.