Redemption – Playlist

My Beautiful, Dark Twisted Fantasy – Kanye West

Just about every song on this album resonates to my current experience and period of life as a near four-year relationship has ‘evolved’ into something else.  Of note, “Runaway” and “Blame Game” speak out because so many of the sentiments that he conveys speak to many of the feelings that have come as I’ve looked at my role in this ‘evolution’ and am seeking to heal, to understand, and get to know myself as a I am now.  I work for an Performing Arts Company and often joke I am paid not to sing but many a time have I tried to sing along to these two songs.

“Smile” – Vince Staples

This track off Staples’ Prima Donna feels like it is addressing adversity and I find it to be relatable.  The underlining repetition of the hook “smile for me” also a great reminder to smile when I feel so many other feelings throughout the day.  Listen through to the end and hear his haunting: “Sometimes I feel like giving up…” on repeat and yeah, this song embodies everything whilst facing a tough time.

“All the Way Up” – Fat Joe & Remy MA

“I’m all the way up!”

Enough said.

“Joker” – Jean Grae

The beat and fantastical lyrics are a solid reminder that Love ain’t all that bad and despite the new phase I find myself in, there’s so much Love for that person and what she & I shared.  Though I’ve not moved through my hurt or processed fully much of what occurred and what mis-step I took that let it spiral, I’m hopeful a positive conversation could be achieved someday because Love can never die.  It just takes on new forms, the same as when our Spirits leave the body.  Transitions just occur on the daily and that’s how it goes.

“Don’t Dream It’s Over” – Unknown

Whether she did this by design or that’s where she turned it off, there sat a record on the record player, a song or two ahead of the first track on that side.  As I turned it on, I heard this cover of “Don’t Dream It’s Over” and was I taken back to many a younger heartache that a different cover of this song took me through.  The feelings, again, so fresh, so raw.  Though I’m moving and dealing with this far better than any other I have encountered despite it being my longest relationship, it’s still making my legs feel as though they’re encased in concrete.  A fog clouds my brain, my heart chakra feels pains, and my stomach has been in knots.

Years ago, all I had were my dreams and the other night I dreamt that I apologized to her and she kissed my third eye so I can only trust that what is unfolding is as the Divine would have it.

Guess I’ll keep dreaming.

“Permanent Holiday” – Mike Love

“Oh, I’ve got my own Path to follow. Oh I’ve got my own Truth to swallow.”

Ain’t that the Truth, Mikey, ain’t that the Truth…

“I’m a Villain” – Nas

“Wherever Is Your Heart” – Brandi Carlisle

“Though your feet may take you far from me, I know wherever is your heart I call home.”

That song got to me.  Along with a host of others as I went for a walk at night.  I think the best was the couple sitting on the beach listening to:

“Love Hurts” – Nazareth

“Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts,
Ooo-oo love hurts”

Feel the pain, let it go, feel the next feeling, let that go.  Feel the pain again.  Cycle of life, man, cycle of life.

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