Still Breathin’

The Demons in my head, haunt me with their dread, it starts in the morning, and follows me throughout until the bed

Is times like this I hate that my Ego clutches close – relentlessly

Vulnerable in the wind, these times within, I can’t breathe,  I can’t breathe

The world at large in turmoil, much like the chaos raging inside me

The Demons in my head, sometimes they get the worst of me

And the rest of me? The best of me? Lies dormant for me to see. But when The Darkness is at its Brightest, it takes a strong Light to cast a shade.

But the rest of the me, the best of me, I know it’s there cause you see, trouble is I forget, I let, so I can’t see, I can’t see

The Demons in my head, are just another flavor in the spectrum, gotta taste it all, cause Liberation through The Spirit is required, not elective

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Ep. 2.11 – All of it

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Right now, I feel all of it.

Simultaneously.

Maybe it’s been like that all the time because I’ve often meditated on Okay-Ness (my take on Mindfulness, let’s call it Contemporary Mindfulness, ha, how’s that for philosophy?) as being okay with the moment as it is, for that recognition allows us to see every feeling exists within each experience. With new Light in my Life I’m just being made more aware of how everything is present always.

It’s a bit like like walking into a garage in the dark of night.  You turn on the Light, and really see everything in there for the first time then… BOOM!  There’s the clothes you’re donating next to the unpacked box from college, and oh snap, those albums from childhood in the closet, a fixer-upper project in the corner, and well, a whole bunch of stuff from past seasons still there (in consciousness).

It’s been overwhelming me to be honest.

I’ve worked at cultivating my Life into being self-sufficient, relying on Faith, and surviving no matter what.  It’s not quite dancing like World Class Ballet, but it’s the what’s gotten me this far, which ain’t all that bad.  But, I’m being charged in this Season of Life to let go, to grow, to (gasp) really allow in (be careful what you wish for, I wished to be able to be vulnerable and sh!t…) and enjoy the walk with others.

That’s part of what’s compelled me to process stress, the factors, my capacity, what depletes, what fills and where I am in order to visualize consciously where to go forth.  Allowing myself to Love, to really be without Fear of feeling whatever I’m feeling recently showed me how much the current stress impacts me in ways I’m not fond of.

Each day, I’m slowly understanding more about where my place in the Journey is. And the joke is that right now, it’s kind of like what the f@ck because there’s a bit of really good going on in my Life too. But I’m sure the cosmic joke is always there.

That’s what I mean by feeling all of it; seeing the thin shroud of duality eroding. Subscriptions to even more constructs we’re conditioned to adapt to getting cancelled with each passing Season, not because we said so, but because if one honors the call to Love, and discovering the Fullness of that on the Journey, well that doesn’t mean frolic.

And it’s, it’s, it’s…

It just is.

Another catchphrase, #itjustis.

Acceptance, submission, such a core theme throughout my Journey.  If we cannot accept that Life is beyond our control, even the feelings that we feel when we feel them showing up to teach in the most unexpected of ways, well then there’s no point in Wading Through the Stream.

The ebb and flow of the Universal Waters of Consciousness, all lead, each step, each stumble, Home, to the Source.  Whether that’s God, Love, Ether, Nothingness, that’s not my call for your Journey.  And I’m deep as f*ck and this wading is taking me into a freestyle stroke pretty soon, so best I learn to swim else next Season will be J. Drowning in the Stream but that will never happen.

Cause while I learn and strive to thrive, I’ve no doubt, no matter what I face, I’ll survive.  Because that also what it means to walk home to Love through The Spirit. And the one set of Footprints in the Sands of Time are Divine after all.

And I’m okay with that.

This ends J. Wading Through the Stream, Season Two. We cried, we laughed, we swore , we poetry-d and as so many of my collections of writing conclude, on to the next one, for the  Adventure continues it would seem.

So there’s my AHA – Aloha Harder Moment – for this text.  It’s been fun. It’s sucked. Yet as we shared in Season One, sometimes you have to Embrace the Suck to Share the Stoke.

So FTG! BAM! Choke bishes (no don’t do that). Whatever. It’s all of it. Oh Muahaha.  Muaha-ha-ha. Or…

LMAO

Ep. 2.10 – Why You Stressin’ – Be

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I am not a fan.

Not at all.

But just like sh!t, stress happens.

And it’s not fun and that doesn’t mean we need be crippled by it.

That mindset to not be crippled by limitation, perceived or otherwise, applies to anything really but since we’re talking about stress, let me divulge.  Though I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, throughout my Life, I can look back and see spaces and times where I felt a great deal of anxiety and worry.

If I’m not care + full, it gets the best of me now.  But I do care to have a full and balanced Life so I work at it and my Life improves more and more.

How then do I make it without copious amounts of drugs and alcohol?  That’s a great question.  If I figure it out, I’ll let you know.

Just kidding!

From my experience and observation, that stuff doesn’t help because you can only escape for so long before you are faced with the next hurdle.  And as great as sex or rock’n’roll are, not the greatest of escapes either because reality knocks.  The only way I can ever decompress from stress and anxiety is through self-work, analysis, pause for reflection, and prayer.

And it’s never once been easy.  As much as my Life gets better, it seems a challenge arises to test my ability to deal with Life on the daily, else feel tormented on the nightly.

That’s probably all good and hypothetical, JMAW, but seriously, stress happens.  Yes it does, but we can be honest with ourselves by looking at what is going on and realize, Life is a process, a continual process of growth and evolution.  And if we nurture ourselves enough, we can start to identify what matters.

Perhaps that is the purpose stress really serves.  When there is a whole sh!t ton of bullsh!t to filter through and flush in consciousness, what actually means something, to you.  When you start to approach Life in this fashion, you stop asking ‘How do I pay for this?’ or ‘Why don’t they like me? and start to ask important questions:

Does it matter what people outside of our circle think?  Does it matter what possessions we have?  Does it help to focus on the pressure we feel by focusing on something in our mind?

Answers to that could vary.  And that’s okay too because we are all made differently.  Take 45, it’s apparent it matters what folks think about him.  But that’s just where dude is at in the Stream of Consciousness.  I don’t advocate or approve of dude by that statement, but the extreme example he presents is one that Life has given for us to learn from.

And sometimes I feel like Life gives more questions than it does answers and in pockets of my Life (mostly related to work and finances), I have felt more stressed than ever recently.  But deep down, I know none of that matters because I’m on a Journey through the Stream of Consciousness and being awake in that is realizing I’m being taken on a trip.  And going back to what might not make sense to anyone but me, I’ll be okay because I’m okay now, as I am, event with the stress factors in my Life.

Nothing is writ other than Death and perhaps Fate. 

But both are in the Hands of God and those are pretty good Hands to be in.  As we’ve walked and walked and walked through each of these manuscripts my Friends, I still don’t know what’s to be.  But it’s cool, because I really am okay, as flawed and fucked up as I am, I am okay.  And that women, men, little bitty children, dogs and cats, is what Mindful Living, is really about.

To see and be.

Aloha – We Out.

Roll Credits.